Child Wrangler 2

Excitement

2011-07-21T11:24:00.000-04:00

We had a storm on Tuesday the 12th with straight line winds. I came home to this:

Million Pieces

2011-07-10T19:37:00.000-04:00

My heart broke into a million pieces today. My Grandpa Harold is dying. His lungs are shutting down and his heart is giving out. He's been hospitalized for a week. He knows he's dying. Mind wise, he's sharp as a tack. He knows what's happening, he understands--more so than some family members--that he has days left on this earth. Not weeks, not months, but days. He made a decision this morning that I'm sure broke his heart into a billion pieces. I made a decision to honor his request and subsequently my heart shattered as well.

2 years ago my Grandma passed away. She was his everything. He doted on her with everything he had. Losing her was tough on him. He was lost without her. He had nobody to take care of but himself. He's a caretaker by nature and has a heart of gold. Shortly after my Grandma passed away I came across an 8-10 week old kitten. Abandoned, starving and scared. I asked Grandpa Harold if he wanted her, he said no, not right now. Knowing he was lonely and loved cats, a week later I went to a weekend training session and asked him if the kitten could stay with him. I dropped her off on Friday night. The kitten, who was now named Oreo, bolted across the room straight onto his lap. His eyes lit up and he was in love. I left for my training and came to pick up Oreo on Sunday. When I walked in, they were sharing a sandwich, and he told me that since Oreo was so comfortable with him, that she could stay awhile longer. That was 2 years ago, and she had been his companion day in and day out.

She would lay on his lap when he had his 6 daily breathing treatments, she would lick his tears as he mourned for his wife, she slept next to him every night, they shared meals together, watched tv together, she would perch on his shoulder and watch the letters go across the screen when Grandpa Harold would write an e-mail and when he began losing his hair while going through chemo, she curled up around his head at night when his hat would come off.

Knowing that he has been having some health problems, and knowing how much he loved Oreo, I let him know that I was available to care for Oreo if the need should arise. A few times he asked me to come take care of her while he was in and out of the hospital, concerned that she was lonely. I obliged without hesitation.

This morning he called me and asked me to come get her as he was still in the hospital. In talking to him he told me that he wanted me to take Oreo permanently, as he felt he could no longer care for her because he was dying. My heart broke. I know how much Oreo means to him, and for him to give away his only constant companion for the last 2 years was a decision that I know he did not take lightly.

I got the call at 6am and was on the road for the 3.5 hr. drive by 6:30am. I went to see him first, wanting to be sure this was what he wanted. Wanting him to know that, if he changed his mind, I would bring her back, no questions asked. But mostly wanting to quash down the guilt that I had of taking his best friend away from him. He knew this was what he wanted, he knew it was forever, and he made it clear that he had days left to live and he wanted to know that Oreo was safe and taken care of before he passed.

The look on his face was heart wrenching. He looked defeated. Defeated because he couldn't care for his best friend. Wanting the best for her, but knowing he was not the one who could provide it. To say I was honored to be the one chosen to care for his best friend is an understatement. It helped a little bit, but I still felt extremely guilty, sad, anxious, and crushed.

Oreo is currently hiding. She meowed a pitiful meow the entire 3.5 hour drive home. I let her out of her crate once we were safely back to my place and she promptly hid. Hasn't eaten, drank anything, or used the litter box. She's lost. This place is foreign to her. I'm foreign to her. The smells, sounds, sights...all foreign. I imagine it a little like if I were dropped off in a foreign country where nobody understood me, and I didn't understand them.

I pray that Grandpa Harold feels at peace with his decision. Seeing that look of defeat on his face, a look I've NEVER seen on his face before, even when my Grandma passed, was a look I never want to see again. I pray. I don't even have words to pray, I don't know what to say. I have cried more than my fair share of tears today, and I'm certain there will be many more to come. I pray he's at peace. I pray.

Getting There

2011-05-30T17:17:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of updates. About 2 weeks ago I realized that my house was a disaster zone due to everything going on in the last year. So, last week I decided to do something about it. I really should've taken before and after pictures, but I didn't think of it until I was done!

Last week I cleaned the kitchen and the hallway adjacent to the kitchen. 6 paper bags of stuff was donated while 3 bags of trash were removed.

Next I'm going to work on the bedroom. We'll see how much clutter I can get rid of!

Pictures coming soon, if I can find my camera!

Weight Loss Update

2011-04-14T15:00:00.001-04:00

I began a journey in July of 2010 to lose weight. My goal is to lose 106 pounds. I did not set a 'goal date.'

Here's the stats as of today.

July 2010: 236 (beginning weight)

October 2010: 213

April 2011: 211

Goal Weight: 130

Pounds to go: 81

Pounds lost to date: 25

Fix It

2011-04-06T19:30:00.000-04:00

It's my nature to fix things. Not physical things, I would much rather tear things apart than put them back together. It's almost like therapy for me. All the stress from the week just melts away when I get to go to my mom's and tear down a shed, or take apart an old metal desk for the metal pile, pull old wiring out from the garage, rip of the roof of a house in preparation for a new one...the list goes on but you get the point. I always feel so much better, more relaxed, more energized after I've taken something apart, as long as I don't have to put it back together.

My natural instinct to fix things is when there is an emotional or mental problem. I want to make it better--or at least more tolerable. I want to find the solution. I will turn into a pretzel just to make it work. I don't like to see people hurting, in any way. I want to do something, anything, to make it just a little bit better.

At work, this is fairly easy. Boss is unhappy? Find out what it's about and take steps to solve the problem. Co-worker upset? Lend an ear, and a shoulder if necessary, to carry a bit of the burden. Child sad that mom/dad has left for work? Extra cuddles and hugs usually do the trick. Neighbors and friends are fairly easy to. Sometimes they need to just vent, sometimes they just need to chat, sometimes a card, a hug, a smile make it just a little bit better.

At home, it's not so easy. I want to 'fix' my mom's problem. I want to take some of the burden and carry it as my own. Mental illness can be so ugly sometimes. I tried to 'fix' it. I tried to set up a fool proof way of making sure mom was mentally stable. The medications were to be dispensed by a visiting nurse, twice a day, every day. There was no way mom could overdose, or underdose. The medications were locked up. 2 keys, one for me, one for the visiting nurse. The knives were taken out of the home, so she couldn't hurt herself. Same with the guns. I called 3 times a day, once in the morning, once on my lunch break, and once in the evening. Making note of differences in her tone, her attitude, her tracking of the conversation. I went every weekend. Making sure things were going well. Counting pills, checking hiding places for knives and other weapons. She was allowed to drive, but only a certain distance. I checked the odometer religiously, making sure she didn't cheat. We went to doctors, therapists, neurologists, internal medical specialists, psychiatrists, etc. I had peace of mind. I had it all under control. I was 'fixing' the problem with my fool proof plan.

Problem is, the only person I fooled was myself. Truth is, she still has freedom of choice. She has the choice to take her medication, or not. She has the choice to buy a knife, or not. She has the choice to drive as much as she wants, or not. She has the choice the answer my call, or not. She has the choice to see the doctors, or not. The only way she wouldn't have that choice would be if she was deemed to dangerous to be in the general population. Essentially, if she was in a mental facility and THEY determined that she was mentally unstable. Now here comes to hard part.

She is mentally stable while taking her meds. When off of her meds, she is not. It's a vicious cycle that I've been warned about, have researched, and seen for myself. She takes her meds, gets stable, doesn't see why she needs to take her meds because she is stable-(due to the meds)-and goes off the them, swinging back to the unstable side. Think of it as someone who has high blood pressure. They take their meds, their blood pressure goes down, because their blood pressure went down they figure they're fine, stop taking the meds, and their blood pressure goes back up. It's a cycle that's hard to break, especially in the mentally ill.

Reasoning while she's mentally stable is near impossible. Go talk to a brick wall, it'll work better. She insists she's fine, I insist it's the medications, she insists she's fine, I insist it's the medications, she insists she's fine, and on and on it goes. She goes off the meds and swings to the other side. Reasoning while she's mentally UNstable is, well, whatever is after impossible. Her reality is not that same as many peoples. Stable OR unstable it's not the same. Every comment, accident, dead bird, cloud in the sky, rainy day, mechanical breakdown, low water pressure. piece of lint on the floor is, in her mentally unstable mind, "her fault." She thinks she did something wrong to cause it. On the flip side, every comment, accident, living bird, sun shiny day, mechanical NON-failure, correct water pressure, no lint of the floor is, in her mentally stable mind, "her doing." She thinks she did something right to cause it. Now that's not to say that yes, there are things that she does that create positives and negatives in her life. However, many of the mundane, every day things have nothing to do with her. A dead bird is a dead bird. Unless she somehow found a gun and shot it, it's just a dead bird. But to her, she did something, or didn't do something, to cause it. There is no inbetween. She's either stable, or unstable. There's no 'fine line' to cross. There's no slowly going from one extreme to the other. She's "on" or she's "off."

Scary thing is, the difference between 'on' or 'off' for her is 2 pills a day. Because of the very short half life of both pills, 18 hours, or 1 day without medication, is all it takes to go from one extreme to the other. Scary as that is, it is my life. And it's not easy.

holiday time

2010-12-23T20:36:00.002-05:00

i am typing this on an android so forgive the lack of punctuation and capitalization.

thanksgiving was quiet here. just me and mom. we had a small dinner and worked on some things in the house. the latest problem in the house is the furnace died. not fun in twenty degree weather.

my birthday came and went without much fanfare. twenty six is not all that exciting to me.

christmas is in two days. again it is me and mom. small dinner for the two of us. after that we will continue working in the abandoned garage. today we worked in the garage for four hours and hauled out eight bags of garbage, two totes of recyclables and a full truck load of metal. tomorrow will be much of the same.

have a merry christmas and a happy new year.

Is This For Real?

2010-10-24T17:45:00.003-04:00

So I'm currently on a journey of sorts to lose 106 pounds. After cutting back from 2 Diet Coke's a day to 1 per day, I decided to cut my fast food in take to once a week. I haven't stepped on a scale in 3 months. Last time I was weighed was at the doctors and let me tell you, that number on their scale scared the crap outta me. I got up the courage and stepped on a scale this morning. Expecting the worst I took a deep breath and looked at the number. I was shocked.

I stepped off the scale, reset it, and stepped back on. Yep, same number. I did it again, and again, and again. Not believing what I was seeing. Then, finally believing that the scale was right I smiled.

I've lost 23 pounds. Granted it's been about 12 weeks since I've cut back on the pop and fast food but still....23 pounds! 13 more pounds and I'll be below 200 again. So, for the record:

Beginning weight: 236

Current weight: 213

Goal Weight: 130

Pounds to go: 83

Dear Mr. Landlord

2010-10-21T18:32:00.002-04:00

Dear Mr. Landlord

I understand that in order to keep the rent at a reasonable rate you must wait as long as possible to turn the heat on for the building. I get it, I do. Currently it is 47 degrees outside and 52 degree inside of my apartment. The low tonight is 36 degrees. I really do NOT want to wake up to an apartment that is 40 degrees tomorrow morning.

Turning the heat on would be really really nice.

Just sayin.

Sincerely,
Your Chilly Tenant

The Changes of Life

2010-10-18T23:19:00.003-04:00

Well it's obviously been awhile since I've posted. I didn't forget about the blog, I just couldn't bring myself to sit down and type a post about what's been happening in my life. Here's the slightly condensed version...

A few months back, my mother was admitted to a psych hospital for 30 days. She is bi-polar, though it has been well controlled with medication and therapy. The reason she was admitted was because she was having hallucinations, panic attacks, and was swinging wildly from manic to depressed. She came out of the psych hospital with a new diagnoses of bi-polar disorder with border line personality disorder II. She is on 24 hr. care with home health nurses there 24 hrs. a day 5 days a week. I am there 24 hrs. a day 2 days a week. She was slowly coming back to a normal state of mind when she had multiple blood tests come back with wildly different results. Something was going on, but we didn't know what. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago when an episode of panic culminated in her cutting herself multiple times. She was admitted and tests were run. Blood results were crazy and she was diagnosed with pancreatitis. One of the medications she's on requires a strict diet in regards to salt and protein. Her body was not metabolizing the food correctly and thus was the cause for the blood results being wacky. She's now on a separate medication to digest protein. The medication levels in her blood are coming back to normal and she's coming back to a level playing field mentally. However, the combination of the medications are destroying her kidneys and liver. The doctors are trying to figure out the best way to handle those issues.

During this time I was moved to a new classroom. Same center, same boss, new classroom. Let me just say, this was probably the best move for me. The children are younger, I have more assistants, and the room is much more relaxed.

Also during this time I cut my caffeine consumption by 1/2. The first week I was a bear, but since then it's been going pretty well.

In addition to all of this, I've begun walking again. It's for my sanity more than anything else. However, since I began walking again, I've decided to start eating better. I need to lose 106 pounds to be at a healthy weight for my height.

So in a nutshell, my mother is ill, my job is getting better, I'm getting healthier and beginning a new chapter of my life. I think I'll call this one "Selfish Jen" because though I want to be around to take care of my mother, I really and truly need to lose this weight and become healthier for MYSELF. So there you have it, my life and why I haven't been posting.

Steaming Mad

2010-06-08T19:24:00.002-04:00

I have one question tonight.

How can a teacher pick on a 4 year old child DAILY and NOBODY SEES A PROBLEM WITH IT???????

I am so angry I'm seeing red. I don't know if I should scream or cry right now.

I will post more later. When I calm down.

Not Sure What To Title This One...

2010-05-15T11:00:00.003-04:00

On it's most basic level it's venting, a rant, a pouring out of frustration. It's been building, and building and building. It erupted yesterday, not like a volcano, more like a dog who has been poked, prodded, and stressed out for too long. The dog WILL snap at some point. The most docile, relaxed, content dog will snap if subjected to stress for too long. This is my disclaimer. Proceed with caution. It's wordy and ranty. I've left out any and all foul words. Read at your own risk.

The current schedule set up is 4 days on, 1 day off. 4 ten hour days with a full day off during the week. The boss has a policy of NO overtime. This is the way it has worked for years. There are 3 teachers in the classroom. 2 leads and 1 assistant. Both lead teachers work together 3 days a week. 2 days a week is a lead teacher and the assistant. Communication is key to making this system work. It has its faults, but we've always been able to overcome those faults through communication. The last 3 weeks it fell apart.

For the past few months my usual day off has Wednesday. My assistant and my co-lead were having some communication problems early on. I would come in on Thursday at 7am and be immediately confronted by the boss about every single thing that had gone wrong the day before. At 8am my co-lead would come in and I would be hit with a laundry list of everything she felt the assistant did not do correctly the day before. By 9am the co-lead and I either hashed out ways to solve the problems or, with larger issues, we would be in agreement that we would talk during nap time. I would relay the problem solving ideas to the boss on my lunch break and she would give me additional advice. This system worked fairly well.

The problem solving ideas were mostly successful. There were a few failures here and there but overall, it worked. Then it would happen again on Friday. I would arrive at 7am, the assistant would come in at 8am, and she would give me HER laundry list of everything she felt my co-lead didn't do correctly on Wednesday. We would then hash out ways to solve the problems or agree to talk at nap time, I would relay the problem solving ideas that the co-lead and I came up with, and we would go on with our day. Because my co-lead was off on Friday's, when Monday came around I would relay to her the problem solving ideas that the assistant and I discussed the previous Friday. On Tuesday all 3 of us-(me, my co-lead, and my assistant)-had a meeting and, taking their complaints & all of our problem solving ideas into account, I would make a decision as to how the problems would be handled. After a few weeks of this, I felt a bit like a referee...but it was working and the laundry list of problems was getting shorter.

Then the last 3 weeks happened.

3 weeks ago, on my day off, a child, or children, plugged up the hand washing sink with paper towel--and left the water on. Neither teacher noticed, the children didn't say anything, and the teachers took the children outside to play. The children and the teachers came back in to a partially flooded classroom. The entire tile area-(1/3 of the classroom)-was covered with water. A small portion-(roughly 2X3 feet)-of the carpet was sopping wet. The boss went crazy. I got a phone call, at home, on my day off, from the boss. She was livid.

2 weeks ago, on my day off, one of the teachers left a brand new set of black Sharpie's out on the table during nap time. She forgot about them and the children got up. Use your imagination on that one. Let's just say that when I arrived on Thursday morning and saw black Sharpie drawings all over the walls, cd's, calendar, cubbies, sink, bathroom, loft, books, toys, tables, floors, and windows, I was not impressed. The boss, who was not there on Wednesday because she was taking care of her husband, walked into my room on Thursday morning and I'm pretty sure her jaw hit the floor--much like mine did. She didn't say a word until my co-lead showed up. That show-down was ugly, and was heard through the office door. I'm STILL trying to clean up that mess. The magic eraser didn't work, and neither did comet. Any hints on how to get Sharpie off of a painted wall and linoleum would be great.

Last week was my boss's breaking point. Despite the heavy rain, rumbling thunder, and consistent lightning all day long, my co-lead decided to put the kid's jackets on and take them outside. The boss stopped her and the kids at the door to the playground, wanting to know WHY she was taking the kids outside in the pouring rain. The answer my brilliant co-lead gave?

"It says in the handbook that we take the kids outside every day."

Apparently she missed the 2 most important words about outside play.

'WEATHER PERMITTING'

I'm now the sole lead teacher in my classroom, with 2 assistants, I'm working 3 full days and 2 half days a week. Problem solved? I dunno, we'll have to wait and see.

Things

2010-04-21T09:27:00.002-04:00

Well the economy must be coming back up. Simply because more people are working and their kids are being signed up for child care. We've had an influx of kids these last 4 weeks and my class roster jumped from 18-23 in a week. Craziness!

In other news, my dad still has his job--at least until December. We'll see what happens then.

My classroom is coming back under control. Slowly but surely we're getting there.

At the end of May my class roster will go from 23 down to 19 because the teacher kids will be out for the summer.

Right now I'm doing assessments on all 23 kids. 6 pages for each kid. It's time consuming and it's a push to get it done.

Other than that life is pretty much par for the course. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Happy Wednesday

Almost March

2010-02-28T15:31:00.003-05:00

No I have not fallen off the face of the earth, nor have I forgotten that I have a blog. I've been tucked away in a "I don't wanna but I hafta" cucoon for the last 3 weeks.

1. I don't wanna deal with the fact that my dad may very well lose his job. He, and these are his words, "wasn't paying attention" and crashed the ambulance he was driving--injuring a patient and co-worker. He fully admits and accepts the consequences of his actions. The case is with the prosecutors office now.

1. I hafta deal with this fact. He may lose his job, he may lose his pension, he may have to sell the house and move into an apartment. He may have to find another job. His skill set is fairly limited, in the working world at least. He has worked at the same hospital, in the same department as a paramedic for over 30 years. This is what he trained for and this is his passion. The possibility of this making him or breaking him is very real. I fear it will break him, in more ways than one. While I don't condone his actions, or inactions, I will stand beside him every step of the way. Financially, there is very little I can do. Emotionally, I will do everything I can to help him through this.

2. I don't wanna deal with the fact that my classroom is on the decline. The tantrums, hitting, kicking, and yelling have increased ten fold in the kids. We've even had 3 seperate biting incidences. Injuries are uncommon in my classroom. Before February, the last biting incident was in September. To have 3 biting incidences, one of which broke the skin, in 3 weeks is---I have no words.

2. I hafta deal with the fact that my classroom is on the decline. The 3 biting incidences, and aggressive behaviors are not coming from the 5 new children. They are coming from children who have been in my classroom for a minimum of 6 months. I am struggling to regain control over my classroom. It is an uphill battle on a daily basis and I feel as though it's 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I feel like a failure because my students are out of control. They cannot be expected to learn and grow in such an environment. While I am still doing the preschool program, my expectations of what the kids will learn have been lowered. Not permanently, but until the aggressive behavior issues have been resolved.

3. I don't wanna deal with the fact that my co-lead teacher has seemingly given up. Her once bubbly, fun, sarcastic personality is gone. Perhaps not completely gone, but left at the doorstep--or hidden deep within. Her eyes seem void of caring and full of frustration.

3. I hafta deal with the fact that my co-lead teacher has seemingly given up. I feel the frustration on a daily basis. The raising of her voice, the stress in her motions, the panic in her body language when yet another child has a 30 minute meltdown of epic proportions. Perhaps she's suffering from burn out. Perhaps she no longer has the passion for the job. I honestly don't know. We've talked, we've hugged, we've cried together. Through it all, I am still unable to get a good 'read' of how she's feeling. I want to pull her back, tell her it's okay, let her put it all on me. Truth is, I don't know that I can handle having it all on me. I am struggling myself and to take another persons struggles, in addition to my own, may push me to far.

So there it is, in all of it's ugly truth. I am wishing, praying, hoping for March to be better. Problem is, it is a lot of work to get it 'better' and I don't know that I'm able to achieve what has been set before me.

No Stress

2010-02-01T19:25:00.002-05:00

Well, that's what I'm hoping for at least. Truth is, I am stressed. There's 3 reasons for this...

1st: February is licensing month for us. The licensing guy can show up at any time during the month of February. We're all hoping he comes this week. The boss is beyond wigged out right now and snapping at everybody. Staff, parents, her husband, the kids, everybody. We just want it to be done and over with ASAP so that we can stop walking around on egg shells.

2nd: My 2nd assistant quit. Just up and quit. She had valid reasons, which I won't get into here, but it's put us in quite the bind. We're over ratio by 2 every day. This doesn't really affect the running of the classroom, or the lesson plans, or really anything within the structure of our day. However, licensing wise it looks bad. Really bad. If we get written up for it, which we probably will be, we have 30 days to fix the problem and then the licensing guy will be back. Problem is, with 30 days to interview, hire, and train a new 2nd assistant, we run the risk of hiring somebody just because we're desperate. This is bad news for everybody involved.

3rd: Next Monday I'm getting 4 new kids. They've been signed up for awhile. We were fine, ratio wise, until the 2nd assistant quit. Now, with these new kids starting we'll be over by 6. I have no kids I can move to the next level--they're all too young. If we move them now it changes the ratio requirements for the next room and they'll be over ratio as well.

Additionally, with these 4 new kids I have name tags, coat hook tags and cubbies to finish for them as well as a 6 page assessment on each of them. The name tags, coat hook tags and cubbies have to be done before they start. The assessments have to be completely within a week of their starting date.

So it looks like February will be a month of stress. I just hope the licensing guy doesn't come during our Valentine's Day party. Knowing my luck though, he probably will.

2009

2010-01-12T22:33:00.004-05:00

I've been milling this post over in my head since before New Year's Day. I haven't had to guts to put it into words though. Now, hopefully, I will finish this post.

January of 2009 saw me living at home with my mom after a failed job in Atlanta. I was down and out. There I was, 24 years old, 3 degrees to my name, 8 years of experience and I failed at my first 'official' job. My finances were in the crapper big time. The cost of moving from Michigan to Georgia and back in the span of 3 months destroyed most of my savings. Living with my mom made me eat some humble pie. I was living in fantasy for sure. I denied my failures, blamed the job, the people, the city, anything and everything except for myself. Truth was, I couldn't hack it--the job that is. I was angry and everybody knew it. I said a lot of mean, hateful things.

I began applying for jobs relatively close to the area my mom lived. Numerous interviews, 2nd interviews, college transcripts, driving and trial runs. After all of that was through, I was offered a part time job at one place and a full time job at a second place. I took the full time job. Not solely for the money, though that was a big motivating factor. Then I moved, again.

February 2009 saw me in a new apartment, a new job, and many many fears of failure. It was quite the learning curve when I began the job. The lead teacher didn't like me, I was basically her cleaning lady. Everything I did was wrong. I was called into the office 3-4 times a week regarding issues the lead teacher had with me. I tried to change, tried to please her, tried to please the office staff. Nothing worked...I was still being called into the office for the same issues over and over again. On a day when I had nothing left I arrived home to find that my apartment had been broken into. At the time, I didn't have renters insurance. With no way to recoup my losses and a feeling of insecurity I began the hunt for a new place.

March 2009 I moved to a new apartment. Again, my finances took a hit. Braking a 1 year lease after living in a place for a month is quite expensive. I tried to convince myself that a feeling of safety was more important than money. It is, but it was quite depressing having over due bills, overdrafts on my bank accounts, a credit card that i couldn't pay in full for the first time EVER in 6 years. Work continued to be a juggling act between pleasing the lead teacher, proving myself to the parents, and being bollocked by the office staff.

April, May, and June 2009 were similar to March, minus the moving. Once a week the boss would have me in tears. Literal tears running down my cheeks. She would come down on me hard. In front of staff, in front of students, in front of parents, it didn't matter. When she was pissed, all that mattered was getting her point across in any way possible.

July 2009 lead to having a student teacher in the classroom. Her compliments of how i ran the classroom bolstered my confidence. I was still fearing failure. I was pushing myself to the limits, my budget was stretched, my bank accounts were slowly growing, I had lingering credit card debt that I hadn't been able to pay off, I was tired due to not sleeping, and I had a massive caffeine addiction.

August 2009 dealt 2 severe blows. I lost my last grandparent and a dear friend. It was tough. At work we were gearing up for the start of the new school year. The boss was running around like a chicken with its head cut off, yelling at everybody about everything. We were doing 2 hours of training a month at a place 30 minutes away from work, which was an hour away from my apartment. The lack of sleep got worse and worse. I was eventually running on 3-4 hours of sleep a night, depending on coffee and Diet Coke to fuel me through my day. My lead teacher was pregnant and cut her hours due to exhaustion, leaving me to pick up the slack. At the end of August came another blow. The lead teacher had quit. I was now the lead and all prep work for the new school year was up to me. I came to find out, in the span of 3 days, that the lead teacher had done absolutely NOTHING to prepare for the school year.

September 2009 I hit survival mode. I had a new assistant teacher-(not new to the center, or child care, but we had never worked together before.) I tried to train her, while running on empty, doing paperwork, and prepping for the new school year. I was learning things regarding the classroom that were being done wrong by the previous teacher--the teacher who trained me. I was taking the heat for all of the problems in the classroom. I was given a specific amount of time to turn it around or I risked being dropped back to an assistant and being moved to a different classroom. It was make or break time for me and I had to prove my worth to the staff, the parents, and the kids.

October 2009 was stressful. By far the most stressful month at the job. Sleep dropped to nearly nothing. Caffeine was my only fuel. I stopped eating for the most part. My one meal a day was at the center, for lunch. The end of October came and I was concerned. My time was up to turn the classroom around and I was worried that I hadn't succeeded. I regularly went 24-48 hours with no sleep, simply because I had so much on my mind I couldn't sleep. Then, the last Friday of October, our Halloween party, I proved myself. That day my assistant teacher called in sick. Nobody told me, nobody called in a back-up. I was on my own with 17 excited, sugared up kids. I pulled it off. I don't know how I did it, but i did.

November & December 2009 moved along. I began getting more sleep, I was able to relax and ENJOY being a teacher, our accident reports diminished measurably. When I began in the classroom the accident reports were on average 8-10 a week. Now, we can easily go 2-3 weeks without an accident report. The kids are more independent. The changes to the classroom are both physical-(we've changed the layout, put more toys on the shelves, limited the number of children to each area, etc.)-and mental-(the way we talk to children, the way we expect the children to talk to each other, more positive reinforcement, simple and concise discipline.)

In short, it's been quite the year for sure. Here's to hoping 2010 allows more sleep, less caffeine, and less stress.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T10:44:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday's to all!

Parents-Part 1

2009-11-21T14:57:00.003-05:00

Sometimes working with parents can be harder than working with kids. Certain things that parents do irk me to no end. Parents like....

1. The parent who is so focused on the child's achievements that they overlook the child.

These parents are overly concerned about the fact that their 2.5 year old isn't potty trained yet, can't balance on one foot for very long, can't write their name, can't draw a perfect circle, doesn't hold scissors correctly, scribbles instead of drawing a pretty picture, etc.

It's frustrating and sad for me to deal with these parents. I can explain until I'm blue in the face that 2.5 year olds aren't supposed to be masters of all of these skills. It is a process that cannot be forced. 2.5 year olds DO scribble, they DO generally lack the coordination to use scissors "correctly", many do not even recognize their name much less write it. 2.5 year olds don't have the best balance on 2 feet, much less on one. Potty training is a bodily maturity thing and has nothing to do with how smart a child is.

The sad part, for me, is that I think these parents overlook or just don't see what qualities their children DO have. The great personalities, the glimmer in their eye when they figure something out for themselves, the way they love unconditionally, the way they help other children, the way they can accomplish a task if given the right guidance. I could go on but I won't.

I feel like these parents are setting their children up for failure. If the parents are always focused on what their child CAN'T do, they miss what their child CAN do. Children pick up on that. They generally want to please their parents and will attempt to do what the parent wants them to do. If what the parent wants them to do is above their abilities, they get frustrated and discouraged. This can lead to a cycle that is not good for anybody involved. The child is frustrated, the parent is frustrated, and the child cannot grow and learn as well as they could before they were pressured to do what they did not have the ability to do.

Update in Bullets

2009-11-10T12:12:00.002-05:00

October

* My co-lead contracts H1N1 and is out for the last 2 weeks of October

* First week she was out she had all supplies for her part of the lesson plans set and ready to go

* Second week, she hadn't gotten a chance to get the supplies together. Her part of the lesson plans were finished though.

* After trying to get supplies ready and projects put together for the second week, I scrapped her lesson plans-(with her ok)-and put together my own.

* Second week went okay. Kids were a little off because she wasn't there. They thrive on routine and when we change it, it shows.

November

* My co-lead came back, still a little weak, but okay. Kids were excited and off the wall

* Kids calmed down after the first week of her being back. I started getting a chest cold.

* I now have a full blown chest cold.

* I got a $0.50 per hour raise.

Update of sorts

2009-09-12T19:14:00.002-04:00

Well the room is coming together finally. All of the painting is done, the shelves are in place, and I loaded them up with toys. My biggest aggrivation at in the classroom was the fighting that happened between the kids. It wasn't the little tit for tat stuff that happens every day, it was the all out brawls--hitting, kicking, spitting, and biting that was going on. These are 3 year olds, or nearly 3 year olds here. Perfectly capable of talking and not resorting to violence. Sure I understand that occasionally 3 year olds will forgo words in favor of physical but this was ALL THE TIME. Then something interesting happened. It stopped.

Once I put a bunch of toys out--not new mind you, just ones that had been put up for whatever reason before I began working there--the physical brawls have pretty much stopped. We have the occasional physical fight...but only about once a week and only with specific kids-(okay, 1 specific kid who is a holy terror and bully). My "run around like a crazy person and throw stuff" kids come in, find a toy, and they sit and play with it now. My cryers aren't crying nearly as much. My whiners aren't whining nearly as much. My biter has not bitten in 3 weeks. The house area is being picked up, the books are being put on the bookshelf--not stepped on and ripped. The couch is being used to sit on, not jump off of to body slam each other.

All of that because there's enough for them to do now. Ironically, I thought having more toys out would require more work on the teachers part. That just isn't the case though. The kids actually put toys away when it's clean up time, they want to know where they are for next time. Sure some stuff gets tossed in whatever ole bin is available at the time, but it's less than it used to be. In short, the kids are RESPECTING the toys more and more, resulting in less stress for me and more items for them to play with. The reasons behind WHY this is happening are numerous, one I will go into in another post. But for now, rest assured that although I am still majorly sleep deprived and the paper work is nowhere near done, the classroom and the kids are turning over a new leaf.

THAT my friends, is why I LOVE my job.

Meetings, Lack of Sleep, & The List

2009-08-30T23:12:00.002-04:00

We made some progress on "The List" today. By we I mean myself and my assistant/co-lead. She isn't technically a co-lead because she doesn't have the credentials yet, but she's acting as a co-lead and doing co-lead things by her choice. Anywho, back to the point. We made some progress on our list today. A 4 hour meeting this afternoon did the trick. We're about 1/2 way through it. The other 1/2 of the list contains stuff that needs to be done while we're at work. That 1/2 of the list is going to be tough. We have limited time while the kids are asleep to get the stuff done--and that's only after we've both taken lunch breaks-(mandatory)-and cleaned.

I'm severely lacking in the sleep department this week. I've gotten no more than 5 hours of sleep a night and fueled myself through the day with coffee & Diet Coke. Tonight I'll get an earth shattering 6 hours.

Nonetheless, we're plowing through slowly but surely. Of course the boss and the director want everything done NOW, but it's just not going to happen and quite honestly, they can deal with it or do it themselves. They seem to think everything should run just as smoothly as before when there's been a massive change like this. Sorry, that's not how the world works.

I've got another meeting--a mandatory work related meeting--on Wednesday night. I've heard that it could go for as short as an hour, or as long as 3 hours. If it's 3 hours, which it very well could be because we have a LOT to go over, that means I'll be out of the house from 7am-9:30pm with one 30 minute break. Then I have to be up at 6am the following morning to be at work by 7 or 7:30.

So basically this week looks like another meetings, lack of sleep, and list working week. How far away is Thanksgiving?

Lots of Changes

2009-08-29T08:25:00.002-04:00

Since I last posted, things have changed drastically at work. My co-lead up and quit 2 weeks ago, no warning, no 2 weeks notice, just up and quit. I was immediately the sole lead teacher in the room now. I've got 3 kids coming back from being home all summer, 3 new kids starting in the next week, a different assistant teacher each day--3 of which have never worked in the room before, and a list of things to do that gets longer by the day.

My co-lead who quit left quite a mess for me. Paper work from months ago that needs to be caught up, files that need to be labeled and organized, lesson plans that were due 2 weeks before she quit--but she never turned them in despite telling me "don't worry about it." And about a million other things to do in the next week before we officially start our school program up.

To say I'm stressed would be an understatement. All of these things on my list need to be done NOW or should've been done weeks ago.

Just an update to let you all know that I haven't forgotten about the blog, I've just been super busy lately. More regular posting will come when things settle down a bit.

2nd Verse, Same as the First

2009-08-16T17:52:00.003-04:00

Well, not quite the same. Nobody else died--though I would like a strangle a few of them. My family was working on funeral arrangements. They called all of the grandkids, close family members, and other people who wanted to be at the funeral to see when people were available--or at least what days worked best for everybody. The idea was to go with the day that the majority of people could come.

Then the next call I got was to let me know when the funeral was. It's Tuesday morning. So I make a few phone calls to my co-workers and the boss to see if I can have Tuesday off, or switch with whomever has Tuesday off and then they can have my Wednesday off. Nope, can't make it work. Person won't switch with me, boss can't make her. Okay, fine. So I call the family back to let them know I can't be there.

This is where it got ugly. I am now the ONLY family member on that side who isn't going. I'm being called every name in the book. I have turned off my cell phone so I don't have to listen to this crap anymore.

Hopefully after this blows over-(because logically I know it will, eventually)-it will get better.

It.Has.To.Get.Better

2009-08-13T21:03:00.003-04:00

Right? After the sudden and unexpected death of my friend, more crap at work, and being physically sick, things started to head towards the better. Wednesday was awesome. I worked 10 hours and while it was a long day, I was actually complimented-(for the first time there)-on how well I ran the classroom that day. The lead teacher was out 'sick.' I was on cloud nine. Got to the end of the day, got in my car, got home, and listened to my phone messages. Cloud nine was no longer. I was now free falling. 3 messages.

Message 1: Grandma had a stroke.

Message 2: Grandma is brain dead.

Message 3: Grandma has died.

More tears, more lack of sleep, more emotional pain.

Message 4 came this evening. The toxicology report came back-(as is standard fare at the hospital she was at).

Message 4: She overdosed--big time.

So I'm now at the point of "It has to get better." Not because it can't get worse, it can. It can get much much worse. But because I don't know how much more I can take without a reprieve from tears, sleep deprivation, and pain.

Underwear Freedom

2009-08-08T14:04:00.002-04:00

So here's the not so highly anticipated follow up post to my previous potty training post. Something happens to kids when they begin wearing underwear. After 2, 3, or sometimes 4 years in diapers/pull ups they are no longer wearing those bulky things under their clothes. Nope, they are wearing thin underwear. A few things happen at this point:

1. They tend to touch themselves more often. Whether to itch, reposition, or just explore, this is a continuing issue in my class with the kids who have recently graduated to underwear.

2. They rub their private areas on objects. Cots, chairs, tables, and shelves are usual items they rub.

Now here's my disclaimer, least people get the wrong idea or get sent here from a google search. Kids don't do this as a way of masturbation. While scientists and child psychologists do believe that some pleasure is derived from these activities, it is not in the same way that an adolecent would. It's simply a way of exploring for the kids.

Not every child does this though. Some kids do these activities often, some kids never do them, the others are somewhere in between. Some kids do these activities for weeks on end, some do it once and never do it again, again the others fall in between.

Be Tough

2009-08-05T20:34:00.002-04:00

That's kind of my motto as of late. The other title was going to be "suck it up" but then I thought better of it.

Last Friday morning, a short 30 minutes after I arrived at work, I got the dreaded "we need to see you in the office immediately." message. I went in and 20 minutes later came out in a IwannacrybutIcan't mood. No, I wasn't fired. I was essentially demoted. I'm being moved to another classroom because in my current classroom I'm "mean" and I "don't enjoy my job" and I'm "not cut out to be a teacher." Ouch. So they're moving me to a classroom with fewer kids, smaller ratios, and--oh yeah--instead of being a co-lead like I am right now I will be an assistant.

So after a weekend of being upset, angry, in denial, and some soul searching, I went back to work on Monday. Interesting thing happened, a teacher in the same room that I'm in called a child a retard twice--in front of the whole class--too the child. Now generally I'm comfortable with talking to co-workers when I have a problem with something they did. But this was beyond that realm for me. I let the boss know. The boss talked to this teacher. And the rest of the day sucked because this teacher was pissed at me.

So I get through Monday, go in on Tuesday and she's still not talking to me. Yay. Make it through Tuesday-(she went home at 1 because she was 'sick')-and get a phone call Tuesday evening telling me one of my friend's has died in a freak accident.

So last night was a whole lot of crying with breaks for sleeping. I didn't work today. I'm a little better now, not by much though. And I'm back to work tomorrow.

Yep, be tough, that's my motto. 2 more days and I can let it all out.

Urgent Prayer Requests

2009-07-27T20:39:00.003-04:00

1. A family I knew well and grew up with lost their home to a fire last night. They have 8 kids and I went to school with 6 of them. The house is a total loss. Everybody got out alive, a few sustained 1st & 2nd degree burns and most have smoke inhilation. Please pray for them.

2. Stellan isn't doing well. Most of you know who Stellan is, but for those who don't, here's a link to his mama's blog-- http://www.mycharmingkids.net/ Please pray for them.

Potty Training & Monday's

2009-07-25T22:19:00.003-04:00

Working in the 2.5-4 year old room means that we-(the staff in that room)-do a lot of potty training. Some kids catch on quickly, some it takes a few weeks, and others it seemingly takes forever because they aren't quite ready but the parents insist that they are no matter what we say and they send them in underwear.

The kids who catch on quickly are, generally, beyond ready for potty training. They were staying dry in their pull-ups/diapers all day, going to the bathroom without reminders, and basically just needed underwear to 'complete' the process and end the pull-ups/diaper buying that their parents continued unnecessarily.

The kids who take a few weeks are ready but need a little coaxing. Whether it's because the bathroom is scary, they're too busy to go when they need to, or they just don't care, they take a little while. Generally the first week or two is rough simply because they have to stop what they're doing to go use the bathroom. Sometimes we get tears, sometimes we get tantrums, other times they happily go, or they tell us they have to go potty while they're sitting in time out. Once they 'get' that going to the bathroom is not optional, they turn the corner and comply. This usually happens after they've been wearing underwear and had 1 or 2 accidents and realized that it isn't pleasant.

The kids who seemingly take forever are both heartbreaking and frustrating. Their parents put them in underwear too early which results in lots of accidents. Thing is, even if they are soaking wet, it doesn't seem to bother them. They haven't yet made the connection between the urge to go and going on the potty. It's heartbreaking because we KNOW they aren't ready but we can't do anything about it. It's frustrating because it results in lots of clothing changes, and lots of sanitizing for the staff. It's pretty much hit or miss with these kids because, as much as we try to figure out their elimination schedule, it changes on a daily, if not hourly, basis.

All that being said, the single most frustrating thing about potty training is parents who insist their child be in underwear but yet put them in a pull-up all weekend because they 'don't have time to clean up accidents.' This makes for some very stressful Monday's, both for staff and potty training children. We've explained to the parents, time and time again, that this confuses the kids and it's like taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. Monday's are horrendous enough with all of the sleep deprived, sugar filled, spoiled rotten, schedule lacking kids-(basically the entire class)-who come back to school where we have *gasp* rules and schedules, required naps, and healthy food. So why make it even harder by adding to that stress with a child who hasn't worn underwear or eliminated in the potty for the past 48+ hours????

Maybe it's me, but parents seem less and less willing to work WITH child care staff while being more and more likely to press their agenda's on us. This is one of many things that parents do that leave me feeling frustrated, incapable, and stressed.

Following the potty training line, I'll hopefully be writing a follow up post to this one about underwear freedom.

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

2009-07-16T09:39:00.002-04:00

So I've written about things that happen at the center, especially my room. This week the boss came to me and asked me if I was interested in moving to the young toddlers room come fall. My first instinct was to shout a resounding "YES!" but I didn't. I didn't because in thinking it through, this may not be a simple room switch. Here's why:

1. The room I am in right now I am a co-lead. At least that's my title, that's not really how it goes. I'm treated as an assistant. I'm talked down to and bossed around by the other co-lead teacher. She regularly makes comments such as "It's my room, we need to follow my rules." and "I expect my room to be cleaner, step it up." Yet she doesn't clean or follow through on her own rules.

2. Moving to the young toddler room means big changes for the people currently in there. There's 3 co-leads in there currently. Unfortunately they don't have the credentials to BE co-leads. The plan is to move me and 2 other teachers into the room to be the new co-leads because we have the credentials to be co-leads. The current co-leads would essentially be demoted to assistants.

3. The room I am in now, my co-lead is having a baby in December and taking 12 weeks for maternity leave. Currently I am the only other teacher who has worked in a lead position in that room.

Lots to think about, lots of decisions to make, lots of things on my mind.

It's Unfair & I'm Complaining

2009-07-09T18:55:00.002-04:00

For some reason my classroom seems to be the one that the directors are worried about. They are constantly in there, yelling at me & the other teachers, nit picking about every little thing, and just basically being in our faces and annoying. That's not what I'm complaining about though--nope, though it's high on my list of stressors, it's not what this post is about. This post is about injuries.

We have accident reports that we have to fill out whenever a child gets hurt. Whether it be they tripped over a chair and did a header into a shelf, or they threw themselves on the ground during a tantrum and face planted into the floor, or they were pushed by a friend--if a child is hurt in any way, we have to write an accident report.

The accident reports are kept in the office. The bosses don't like it when we have to fill them out. I honestly dread going into the office to get an accident report because I know I'm going to deal with 2 things while I'm in there. 1) I have to explain to the boss what happened. 2) I'm going to get yelled at for not stopping it from happening. It doesn't matter what it was, how it happened, if it was self inflicted or not.....we get yelled at.

Kid threw himself on the floor and smacked his forehead. Well we should've prevented him from throwing himself on the floor.

Kid tripped over her OWN CHAIR as she was walking around it and did a header into the shelf. Well, we should've made sure all of the chairs were pushed in, regardless of whose chair it was.

Kid picked a scab and it's bleeding. Well we should've taught the kids not to pick at scabs.

You get the point I assume. We're always in the wrong. So I've always thought-(at least since I've worked there)-that ALL staff who go get accident reports get this treatment. Oh no, I was wrong. Today I saw one of the staff in another room take her kids outside to the playground. There's 3 steps and a ramp to get down to the playground from the door. While not paying attention to 1 of her 3 students, her youngest one-(15 months)-toddled over to the stairs at the top, fell down all 3 stairs, and face planted into the ramp. The boss was standing at the other end of the ramp. Went and scooped the kid up, coddled him for awhile, then told the teacher who was responsible for this kid "Oh he's fine, don't worry about an accident report, I'll just let his mom know he fell when she picks him up."

So yeah, it's unfair and I'm complaining.

This teacher has 4 kids MAX ages 12-18 months. I have 10 kids ages 2.5-4. Who do you think is going to have more accident reports???? But yet every time I go get one-(anywhere from 2-5 a day)-I get the what for about how i should've been more on top of things. Seriously. This sucks.

Watching "Overwhelmed" Happen

2009-06-30T19:09:00.002-04:00

In the center where I work, my classroom is considered the most tough to work in. The kids coming into my room go from a 1:4 ratio (1 teacher to 4 kids) in the toddler room to a 1:10 ratio (1 teacher to 10 kids) in my room. My classroom has a preschool component to it in that we do 'centers.' Due to the centers there's more transitions. The kids in my classroom don't drink from sippy cups, they drink from open topped cups. In short, there's more kids overall, more kids per teacher, more transitions, more structure, and a slew of other things.

In the 4 1/2 months I've been working at this place, I've had 2 people come work in my room for a few days. They come in because they are being considered for an assistant position in my room. I've seen both people go from gung-ho, excited to be there at the beginning of the day to completely overwhelmed, not knowing what to do by the end of the day.

So imagine my surprise when the first day I have a student teacher and she was just as gung-ho at the end of the day as she was at the beginning. Seems like it's going to be a good 6 weeks with her :) I'm excited!

Muscle Building Weekend

2009-06-28T18:45:00.002-04:00

So there's this pole barn on my mom's property. 25 Feet by 35 Feet. It's a great storage area. It doubles as a garage and a place to work on small building projects--as well as house the various lawn mowing, snowblowing and weed wacking equipment. Problem is, this pole barn is packed to the brim. You can cram the lawn mowers in there, if you move the car outside of the pole barn first. You can park a car in it, if you move the lawn mowers out first.

Among the lovely 'gems' in this pole barn are:

1. Shelves broken beyond repair

2. Shelves not broken beyond repair, but stacked high with boxes of stuff that my grandfather put in there--a long time ago. He died in 1998.

3. Boxes upon boxes of stuff that my grandmother stored in there....not that long ago...she died in 2002.

4. Furniture that has warped, molded, and become nice little homes for rats, ground hogs, mice, birds, and the occasional hornet nest.

5. Lots of random tools, wires, ropes, screws, nails, dead batteries, equipment that hasn't worked since before I was born.

I wish my camera had worked so I could've taken a picture before we delved into the mess. Oh yes, we are conquering the pole barn one measly shelf at a time. We're calling it a summer project, but we'll see if it turns into a summer/fall project.

Pictures will be coming....aaaaaaaaalll summer long.

Buzzing Around

2009-06-23T20:12:00.002-04:00

Most of you have noticed that I haven't been blogging much recently. Sure I can go through the list of regular excuses; I'm tired, I work all the time, I have nothing to say, etc. All valid excuses, but they're not right for the reason I haven't been posting.

The number one reason I haven't posted is this: I have too much to say and cannot find the words to say it. I have so much buzzing around in my head, but the words just aren't coming. Every time I write a post, it ends up being a rant. I don't want to post nothing but rants. I want to be constructive, think things through, shed new light on a situation--that's why I write....to find new ways, get answers, think of things differently.

When I'll post again, I don't know. Perhaps tomorrow, perhaps it will be a week. I'm trying to convince myself to post once a week, working up from there. Wish me luck...and sorry for the absence.

Calling all Parent & Educators!!!!

2009-06-01T22:46:00.004-04:00

I need help. Fair week-(as in state or county fair)-is coming up in 8 weeks and I need to get the lesson plan for it done. 3 big areas I need activities for are:

1. Art

2. Blocks

3. Sensory Table

I need 5 activities for each. Any input is GREATLY appreciated!!!

P.S. I have 25 kids ages 2.5-4 years old

It's Hot

2009-05-27T22:54:00.002-04:00

Not so much the temperature outside, though it's been in the upper 70's lower 80's with high humidity and lots of rain. What's hot is my classroom. The AC in the building is broken, $4500 to fix it, and the boss doesn't have the $$$$ to have it fixed. What does this mean? It means lots of sticky, hot, and cranky kids. Unfortunately my classroom happens to be the hottest one in the building due to a few factors.

1. The room is on the 2nd floor. Heat rises. The room below us has 45 kids, who generate quite a bit of heat.

2. Of the three rooms on the 2nd floor, mine has the most kids. My room has 25 kids in it, the room across the hall has 12, the room at the end of the hall has 8.

3. Only 1 of the ceiling fans works in my room. There's an entire 1/2 of my room that gets no air flow.

4. Because my windows are low to the floor, they can only be opened 3 inches maximum. In contrast, the windows on the 1st floor can be opened 12 inches. The windows across the hall can be opened 6 inches, and the windows down the hall can be opened all the way-(18-24 inches).

5. Only 3 of my 5 windows can be opened because the other 2 don't have screens.

So here I teach, in a room that's 76 F in the morning when I come in and by noon it's 89 F. Nap time it drops to 80 F and when they get up and start moving around it shoots back up to anywhere between 84-89 F. Yeah, it's hot in my classroom. I'm actually wishing for snow.

Memorial Day

2009-05-25T17:18:00.002-04:00

Instead of a long drawn out post about how we, as a country, have turned a day honoring those who have served and fallen into a day of BBQ's and drinking, I will simply post this picture. A picture says a thousand words...

Making the Pieces Fit

2009-05-17T19:30:00.002-04:00

When I started this job, I knew it would take a little while to become acclimated to the new environment. What I didn't count on was that I'd be still acclimating 3 months later.

I'm like a piece of the puzzle that doesn't quite fit. My edges need to be ground down, reshaped, and polished before I fit in the puzzle that is 'the work crowd.' I sit here wondering when my piece will fit, or even if it will fit.

I've spent a lot of nights trying to figure out how to make my piece fit, how to get into the puzzle, how to make it work. I haven't found a way yet, I want to find a way, I desperately want to, but nothing has come to light yet.

Acclimating is not easy. I don't want to acclimate for another 3 months. I hope I don't need to, but if that's the case, then I guess that's the way it is.

Yep, It's Monday

2009-04-13T21:21:00.002-04:00

We had 4 new kids start today.

Kid #1 was fine after the first 5 minutes. Had a great day and seemed to really enjoy it.

Kid #2 was distraught all day because his mom forgot his security toy at home. He pretty much spent most of the day on the floor because he kept throwing himself down there, kicking and screaming.

Kid #3 was not happy about being there. He cried on and off all day.

Kid #4 was a holy terror. He's a hair puller, biter, kicker, hitter, and spitter.

On top of the 4 new kids who started today, a new aide started in my room today. She's never worked in a daycare and by 9am, she was completely overwhelmed. By overwhelmed I mean sitting at the table, not talking to anybody, not interacting with any children because, in her words "There's too many kids who need something."

And the finale of the day...one of my 3 year olds was running up the steps to the slide outside when she tripped, hit her chin, and bit clear through her bottom lip. Lots of blood, crying, and 4 stitches later, she's sporting a big fat lip that prohibited her from eating much of anything today.

100 People

2009-04-01T17:44:00.001-04:00

Watch this. It'll make you think:

http://www.miniature-earth.com/me_english.htm

On the Hunt

2008-11-19T20:40:00.002-05:00

It's been tradition in my family that I make Thanksgiving dinner. Since I will be home for Thanksgiving this year, I'm cooking up a feast. There's a slight hitch in this plan though....this year, my Thanksgiving meal needs to be diabetic friendly. I didn't realize how hard this would be until I started searching for recipes.

Sure there's plenty of recipes out there for a diabetic Thanksgiving.......but I'm not sure I can make them--or how they would turn out if I did attempt to make them. Year after year, I make the same thing. Some people may call it boring, but when I'm cooking for a bunch of people, I want to know that I CAN make the meal well.

So, if anybody out there knows of any diabetic Thanksgiving recipes that are easy to make...please clue me in. For the past 10 years this has been my Thanksgiving menu:

Roasted Turkey

Stove Top stuffing

Green Bean Casserole-(the campbell's recipe)

Yams

Mashed potatoes-(with butter and milk)

Pumpkin Pie from scratch

Buttermilk Biscuits

Jellied Cranberry

Oh Happy Day

2008-11-18T11:07:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was the official 2 month appointment.

4 shots, 1 oral vaccine, and baby Tylenol.

Now for the stats:

Weight--13 lbs even = 91st percentile

Length--24 inches even = 94th percentile

Follow

2008-11-15T23:40:00.002-05:00

I have a decision to make. My head is thinking logically and telling me what is the safe and smart decision to make. My heart is pulling me in a different direction and telling me what is the daring and scary decision to make.

Times like these I struggle. I struggle to make the decision, often times waiting until I can't wait any longer. I tend to go with the safe and smart decision when push comes to shove.

Additionally, I struggle to trust God at times like these. I struggle to follow the path he prefers that I take. I struggle to not fight against Him, thinking I know better.

I struggle once I have made the decision. Wondering if it is the right one, wondering if it's what God wanted, wondering if maybe satan lead the way, wondering if I made a mistake.

If only I had a yellow brick road.

November

2008-11-14T19:37:00.002-05:00

November is not a good month for me. Sure there's Thanksgiving, and I have a lot to be thankful for, but throughout my life, November has not been a great month.

1. My grandfather passed away suddenly this month in 1998

2. Byron "Butch" passed away suddenly this month in 2007

3. I failed at my job this month in 2008

4. I had major surgery this month in 2006

5. Veteran's Day is this month, and I know more people who've died in the military than who have lived to tell their story.

So all in all, one day of family, friends, and yummy food in a month of many tears and sadness.

Trouble maker

2008-11-13T12:28:00.005-05:00

Of course the day after I post about the awesome schedule that ButterBall has put herself on, she changes it. She was up at 1am eating, then slept till 6am--when she ate 3 ounces, then took another 1 ounce at 8, then slept till noon, when she ate her first full 5 ounces of the day. *sigh*

She also skipped her poopy this morning and has no interest in being held--except, of course, when she's sleeping--which is also a change because she WAS sleeping in her pack n play 90% of the time.

And now? Right now she's happily chewing on her hand in between having conversations with the baby in the mirror.

Schedule

2008-11-12T19:06:00.002-05:00

Baby has set a pretty decent schedule for herself:

8am--Wake up, eat 5 ounces, go back to sleep

11am--Wake up, eat 5 ounces, be active

1pm--Eat 5 ounces, go to sleep

4pm--Wake up, eat 5 ounces, be active

6pm--Eat 5 ounces, go to sleep

8pm--Wake up, eat 5 ounces, be active

11pm--Eat 5 ounces, go to sleep

4:30am--Wake up, eat 5 ounces, go back to sleep until 8am...when it all starts again.

So, she's eating roughly 40 ounces in a 24 hour period and sleeping for 14.5 hours in that same period. She's 2 months old today. She goes for her 2 month appointment next Monday...4 vaccinations--fun fun.

The Story

2008-11-07T19:38:00.002-05:00

Why I'm Leaving Atlanta:

I hit a low about 2 weeks back. A really really really low. I was sick and I realized just how alone I really am here. My employers are great. However, after having some serious talks with them, I have decided that Atlanta is not where I need to be at this time in my life. I don't feel that I can guarantee the emotional and mental stability necessary for this job. I need my family and friends close by for support. Being in Atlanta while the majority of my family is in Michigan is not close enough. Maybe some day I will return to Atlanta but right now I need to be in Michigan.

The Plan for Leaving:

My employers are currently interviewing to fill my position. The rough time line for me leaving is within the next 6 weeks. I have agreed to stay and help them find a new nanny for the little Peanut. I know how important it is to find the right person and I don't want them to rush their decision because I need to leave. Additionally, I have agreed to stay and 'train' the new nanny for 2 weeks. This won't be so much a training situation as a "get to know the routine/house/job/city" situation. I am hoping to be home in Michigan for Christmas, but am mentally preparing myself for the possibility that it might not happen until the new year.

The Cost:

As I mentioned in my last post, it only cost me $100 to move down here. They paid for almost all of my expenses to move to Atlanta. Because I am the one who made the decision to break contract, I am responsible for all expenses incurred while moving back to Michigan. Most of the expenses are minimal, however, there are a few big ones. For one thing, I need a car. For another, I need a place to live which, in the area where I'm planning on moving to, requires first and last month's rent. Then there are connection fees for utilities, gas for getting back to Michigan, food when I first get there, food expenses while traveling, clothes for interviewing at possible jobs.

That is all for now. I have baby laundry to do and bottles to make for tonight. Have a good weekend ya'll.

Moving, Losing, and Fast Food

2008-11-04T22:16:00.002-05:00

No plans on when I will be moving yet. Hopefully I will be back in Michigan before Christmas. I grossly underestimated how much the stress level in the house would increase with my planning to leave. Actually, it's the finding another nanny part that's stressful for everybody. We're all getting along well, and I have agreed to stay on until they find a suitable nanny/au pair for the baby.

With the whole quitting the job and moving thing, I have realized just how much I gave up to come here. For one thing, I don't have a car. Secondly, I have no furniture. And then there's that whole finding somewhere to live thing. Strangly, the thing I'm least worried about is finding a job. It cost me a whopping $100 to move here. It's going to cost me an easy $10K to move back. Obviously I didn't major in math.

I've lost 8 lbs. and 5.5 inches in a month. And to celebrate, I had Wendy's for dinner. Nice huh?

Can't Hack It

2008-11-02T16:11:00.000-05:00

Well, Atlanta isn't for me. I'm heading home to Michigan. More info to come.

How Interesting Am I?

2008-11-01T21:16:00.004-04:00

I shamelessly stole this from Judy. All of the phrases in italics are true about me.

Appearance:

- I am 5′4 or shorter.

- I think I'm ugly.

- I have many scars.

- I tan easily.

- I wish my hair was a different color.

- I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color

- I have a tattoo.

- I am self-conscious about my appearance.

- I have/ I've had braces.

- I wear glasses. (Or contacts.)

- I'd get/have gotten plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free, scar-free.

- I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.

- I have had more than 2 piercings.

- I have had piercings in places besides my ears.

- I have freckles.

Family/Home Life:

- I've sworn at my parents.

- I've run away from home.

- I've been kicked out of the house.

- My biological parents are together.

- I have a sibling less than one year old.

- I want to have kids someday.

- I have children.

- I've lost a child.

Embarrassment:

- I've slipped out a "LOL" in a spoken conversation.

- Disney movies still make me cry. I love Disney!!

- I've snorted while laughing.

- I've laughed so hard I've cried.

- I've glued my hand to something.

- I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.

- I've had my trousers rip in public.

Health:

- I was born with a disease/impairment.

- I've had stitches.

- I've broken a bone.

- I've had my tonsils removed.

- I've sat in a doctor's office with a friend.

- I've had my wisdom teeth removed.

- I've had serious surgery.

- I've had chicken pox.

Traveling:

- I've driven over 200 miles in one day.

- I've been on a plane.

- I've been to Canada.

- I've been to Niagara Falls.

- I've been to Japan.

- I've been to Europe.

- I've been to Africa.

Experiences:

- I've been lost in my city.

- I've seen a shooting star.

- I've gone out in public in my pajamas.

- I've pushed all the buttons in a lift.

- I've been to a casino.

- I've been skydiving.

- I've gone skinny dipping.

- I've played spin the bottle.

- I've crashed a car.

- I've been skiing.

- I've been in a play.

- I've met someone in person from the Internet.

- I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.

- I've seen the Northern Lights.

- I've sat on a roof top at night.

- I've played chicken.

- I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

- I've eaten Sushi.

- I've been snowboarding.

Relationships:

- I'm single.

- I'm in a relationship.

- I'm available.

- I'm engaged.

- I'm married.

- I've gone on a blind date.

- I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.

- I have a fear of abandonment.

- I've been divorced.

- I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.

- I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.

- I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.

- I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality:

- I've had a crush on someone of the same gender.

- I've kissed a member of the same gender.

-I've had sex with someone of the same gender.

- I've had sex with more than one person at the same time.

- I am a cuddler.

- I've been kissed in the rain.

- I've had sex outdoors.

- I've hugged a stranger.

- I have kissed a stranger.

- I have had sex with a stranger.

Honesty/Crime:

- I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.

- I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.

- I have lied to my parents about where I am.

- I am keeping a secret from the world.

- I've cheated while playing a game.

- I've cheated on a test.

- I've driven through a red light.

- I've witnessed a crime.

- I've been in a fist fight.

- I've been arrested.

- I've shoplifted.

Drugs/Alcohol:

- I've consumed alcohol.

- I smoke cigarettes.

- I smoke pot.

- I regularly drink.

- I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.

- I've taken cough medicine when i wasn't sick.

- I've done hard drugs.

- I've been addicted to an illegal substance.

- I can't swallow pills.

- I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.

Mental health:

- I have been diagnosed with depression.

- I shut others out when I'm depressed.

- I take anti-depressants.

- I have had an eating disorder.

- I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.

- I've hurt myself on purpose.

- I'm addicted to self harm.

- I've woken up crying.

Death:

- I'm afraid of dying.

- I hate funerals.

- I've seen someone dying.

- I have attempted suicide.

- Someone close to me has attempted suicide.

- Someone close to me has committed suicide.

Random:

- I can sing well.

- I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.

- I open up to others too easily.

- I watch the news.

- I don't kill bugs.

- I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for sake of being able to rhyme.

- I swear regularly.

- I am a morning person.

- I paid for my mobile phone ring tone.

- I'm a snob about grammar.

- I am a sports fanatic.

- I play with my hair.

- I have/had "x"s in my screen name.

- I love being neat.

- I love Spam.

- I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day.

- I don't know how to shoot a gun.

- I am in love with love.

- I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.

- I laugh at my own jokes.

- I eat fast food weekly.

- I believe in ghosts.

- I am online 24/7, even as an away message.

- I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.

- I am really ticklish.

- I love white chocolate.

- I bite my nails.

- I play video games.

- I'm good at remembering faces.

- I'm good at remembering names.

- I'm good at remembering dates.

- I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Update

2008-11-01T21:11:00.002-04:00

Well the cocktail of medications seems to be working. Hopefully I'm still okay tomorrow so I won't have to be hospitalized. And yes, I'm still homesick

Sick

2008-10-30T21:58:00.002-04:00

So it's official, I'm sick. Actually, I've been sick since Saturday. I went to the Dr. today and was put on a cocktail of medications + told to sleep sleep sleep. While I was there they gave me some IV fluids because I was dehydrated.

They're supposed to call with the blood test results on Monday. If I'm not better by Monday evening, they want to hospitalize me.

Here's to hoping I'm better by Monday evening!

Emotions

2008-10-28T20:09:00.002-04:00

So I've been a puddle of emotions for the last 2 days. Actually, I've been a puddle of tears. But let's back up a little bit...to Saturday.

Saturday I was sick...twice.

Sunday I was okay, just didn't eat anything.

Monday was sick again. Took a long nap & felt better. Got out of bed to get some water and burst into tears. No reason why, nothing triggered it, nadda, nothin. Cried on and off all day.

Tuesday got up, felt okay. Ate breakfast, burst into tears again, couldn't figure out why, but couldn't stop crying. Cried for 3 hours straight, unable to stop. It sucked.

So, now it's Tuesday evening, I've still been crying on and off, though no more 3 hour crying spree's *knock on wood* and I think I've pinpointed the reason why....

I'm homesick. I've never been homesick before in my life. Not when I went to college, not when I went to Europe for a month, not even when I first moved down here. Nope, I'm homesick now...6.5 weeks AFTER I moved down here. I'm not even bothering to figure out why I'm homesick. I'm too damn tired to even care why.

Lack of Updates

2008-10-27T20:16:00.001-04:00

I apologize for the lack of updates recently. I'm having a bit of trouble emotionally right now. I'll be back soon. I'm still reading the regular blogs, just not posting any blogs myself.

Hunger Cues Part 2

2008-10-19T18:00:00.002-04:00

Now that we have covered the early, active, and late hunger cues, let's cover the process.

Whenever I see an infant exibiting early hunger cues, I make a mental note that they are beginning to exibit signs of hunger. Now, I don't generally take these early hunger cues as gold because the early hunger cues are things that babies generally do even when they aren't hungry. The active hunger cues are when I start to take action.

If you are formula feeding, active hunger cues is the time to either make or warm-(if cold, never warm room temperature bottles), the bottle.

If you are breast feeding, active hunger cues is the time to get everything 'set' for the nursing session.

Next, change babies diaper if it is wet/dirty. I like to change the diaper before a feeding just in case baby falls asleep while feeding.

Once all is set and baby has a clean nappy on, it's feeding time! While feeding, whether bottle or breast feeding, try to look into your babies eyes. If you choose to talk to your child while feeding, speak in a soft voice. Try not to distract your child from eating. Distraction can cause an infant to not eat enough, or eat too much.

Hunger Cues Part 1

2008-10-18T21:28:00.003-04:00

All babies have one or more hunger cues. They all have them. Usually when a parents says "my baby doesn't give hunger cues" it's a case of the parent not realizing that what they are seeing is a hunger cue. Here's a generalized list of hunger cues for infants:

Early hunger cues: licking lips, opening and closing mouth, sucking on tongue/hands

Active hunger cues: bobbing head on chest/arm/shoulder of person holding and/or carrying the baby, hitting the adult on the arm/chest repeatedly, fussing/breathing fast

Late hunger cues: Frantically moving head from side to side, usually with mouth open. Crying.

Babies have hunger cues even at night. Generally, parents and/or caregivers hear baby crying in the middle of the night for food. Crying is a very late sign of hunger. Even though parents will often say "she just wakes up screaming for food" the baby has actually gone through both the early and active hunger cues without the parents and/or caregivers realizing it.

Not all babies go through all of the cues. Additionally, sucking on the hands is not a realiable hunger cue after the first 6-8 weeks because at this age babies tend to gain more control over their arms and hands, thus being able to get their hands/fingers to their mouth for comfort sucking.

1 Month Stats

2008-10-14T12:25:00.002-04:00

Baby gained 3 lbs 1 oz since birth and grew one inch. Oh, and she hates shots.

Oh boy

2008-10-14T09:23:00.002-04:00

In 1 hour me, mama, and baby will be trekking to the pediatrician's office-(with Valet parking no less)-to get babies first round of immunizations. Mama's nervous, I'm tired, and at the appointment time it will be time for baby to feed.

I think we're all in for a looooooooong day.

My Stuff!!!!

2008-10-13T11:16:00.002-04:00

I have my stuff I have my stuff!!!!!!!!! My parents were passing through on their way to Florida and they dropped off my 10 boxes of stuff. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy!!!!!! My bookshelves are now full, and I have my guitar! Twas a good weekend in Georgia!

All I do

2008-10-10T20:05:00.002-04:00

All I do is wash bottles these days. Bottle, nipples, bottle rings, dome caps, more bottles, more nipples, more bottle rings. Wanna know why?

Well the obvious reason is that there's a baby in the house. The less obvious reason is that Avent, the type of bottle that baby prefer's, jacked their prices since going BPA free.

$10 a bottle is a bit steep if you ask me. So, thanks to the uber expensive Avent BPA free bottles---we have a limited number of them.

Basically unless the price of Avent bottles comes down soon-(not likely)-I will be washing bottles 3 times a day, every day, for quite awhile.

Howdy

2008-10-06T20:40:00.003-04:00

Update, in bullets:

Baby is back to her normal self after being put back on her original formula
I officially joined Curves for Women today
My muscles ache
I'm eating Skittles
6 more days until I see my parents
8 more days until baby's 1 month appt.
It's 8:30 and I'm in bed for the night. Sad

Update

2008-10-04T21:51:00.002-04:00

Well baby is constipated. Not to place blame on anybody or anything but I really thing the "latest and greatest" formula that mom put baby on 2 days ago is a contributing factor--actually, I think it's the only factor.

So baby is back on the normal formula that she did well on. It's not the latest and greatest out there but darn it all, it works---and it doesn't make baby scream and scream and scream for hours.

Here's to hoping tomorrow is better. Cheers.

Send Help

2008-10-03T19:09:00.002-04:00

Momma changed baby's formula for the 3rd time. Baby isn't happy about the change. Send help.

Little Perfection

2008-09-30T08:30:00.002-04:00

Update

2008-09-28T20:42:00.002-04:00

The thrush is getting better. Baby wasn't nearly as cranky today. She's now on 100% formula and she has adjusted well to being on it full time.

She's going to be growing out of her newborn clothes soon. I'm estimating another week in the newborn outfits before she moves up to the 0-3 outfits. Similarly, she's about to move out of newborn diapers and into size 1 diapers.

Since moving to the formula she's going 3.5 hours between feedings during the day and 4 hours between feedings during the night.

Side Notes:

1. Abby, I'll do a post about thrush in the near future. :)

A Not Boring Day

2008-09-27T20:04:00.002-04:00

Baby has thrush. Lots of crankiness, rectal temperature taking, soothing, pacifier searching, formula making, and crying today.

We're heading into the evening now, wish us all luck.

Gotta Write Something

2008-09-26T09:08:00.002-04:00

Though I'm not really sure what to write. I'm good, the allergies are hitting me hard. Baby is doing well: eat, sleep, poop, pee, stare at people, cry. Dog is doing okay with the baby. The parents are kinda freaked about the dog licking the baby. But shhhh...don't tell them I let the dog lick the feet of the baby. I don't think it's a huge deal.

I guess that's about it. Boring update, I know. Sorry.

Stumpy

2008-09-23T20:07:00.002-04:00

The cord stump, or 'stumpy' as I've nicknamed him, has decided to stick around for awhile. We're going into day 12 here and stumpy is hanging on like nobody's business. It's not even close to being ready to come off.

I can't wait for it to come off, for no other reason than I won't have to fold down the diapers anymore.

Things

2008-09-22T20:44:00.002-04:00

Things are going well here. As usual there's little things here and there but nothing majorly horrible to report. I spend a lot of time with the baby, the rest of my time is spent running errands, doing laundry, cleaning, or just kickin back and relaxing. I have plenty of free time, and I definately don't feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

I'm slowly meeting the people in the cul-de-sac, or however it's spelled. Lots of little kids. I'm gonna have to start farming myself out for babysitting on my time off. Cha-Ching!

I guess that's about it. To sum it all up:

Baby is cute

I'm averagely happy and still trying to find my place in the house

Dog drives me nuts sometimes

I'm not getting lost nearly as much.

A Moment of Clarity

2008-09-21T12:44:00.002-04:00

Or maybe it's just the coffee speaking, but I can actually finish a sentence right now, so I'm taking advantage of it and writing a new post!

I finally got my driver's license yesterday. As usual it looks like a mug shot, but at least I can get insurance now.

I had to upgrade my purse, which bummed me out, because purses and I don't get along. I don't like them, rarely ever carry them, and I think I only owned 3 in my lifetime until I came here. Now I have on of those huge over the shoulder, could pack a house in there, can't find anything purses.

The reason for the purse upgrade? The work wallet. My personal wallet is nice and skinny, organized, and has the minimal stuff for shopping survival in it. My work wallet is another story. ATM cards, cash cards, Costco card, credit cards, money, baby card, gift cards, reciepts, coupons, the list goes on and on.

Oh, and the baby is doing well.

Routine

2008-09-18T08:15:00.003-04:00

We're slowly but surely getting into a routine here. Well, it's mostly my routine, that I implemented, around the baby's natural schedule. But it's a routine none the less.

We're doing tummy time 4 times a day, she's getting better and better at sleeping in her bassinet. The general routine is:

Eat for 20 minutes, 1.5-2 hours of quiet alert time, sleep for 2-4 hours, wake up, eat for 20 minutes, and so on and so forth.

Still working on the shift work thing. More on that later.

Going Better

2008-09-16T20:57:00.002-04:00

Baby came home on Sunday at 1pm. She is now 4 days old, and is looking less and less like an alien every day.

Baby stats: 7 lbs 1 oz, 20 3/4 inches long, good set of lungs, thin brown hair, brown eyes.

Firsts so far:

Today: First sponge bath, first time she slept in her bassinet, first time in her bouncy seat, first day in real clothes, first day unswaddled.

Yesterday: First visit to the pediatrician, first switch of formula

Sunday: First time in a car, first time in a car seat, first time outside of the hospital, first night home-(nobody slept, btw)

That's all I can think of right now. I'm tired. We have one princess and 3 zombies in the house right now.

Deep Breaths are Necessary

2008-09-14T17:16:00.002-04:00

I'm in tears right now. I have yet to do something right so far today. This sucks.

I'm In Love

2008-09-13T19:44:00.001-04:00

With the new baby GIRL who is now a part of my world!!!!! She is just freakin CUTE

Nesting

2008-09-11T10:45:00.002-04:00

Well baby day is here. Trip to the hospital is scheduled for 4 pm, induction around 6pm, baby sometime on Friday.

Know what all of this means?

It means there's a lot of female nesting going on. This could possibly be because the babies room isn't done-(furniture isn't here yet), or maybe it's just nerves. Either way, it's 11am and I'm already tired.

4pm can't come soon enough.

Rough Day

2008-09-10T19:09:00.002-04:00

Today was a bit of a rough day. I went shopping with my boss, who is 9 months pregnant, and it's hot. Yeah, rough day just about sums it up.

Another Day

2008-09-09T13:42:00.002-04:00

Yep, I'm still here. Sorry I haven't been posting too often, I just don't know how to put my thoughts into words right now. Honestly, I'm a bit overwhelmed.

*breath in* *breath out*

Okay, time to get back to work

DMV Answers

2008-09-04T21:42:00.001-04:00

Judy: Yes, I know. It's ridiculous.

Abby: I have a Michigan license, which is where I lived before I moved. But in order to be put on my boss's car insurance, and to get health insurance, I need to have a Georgia driver's license.

7 days till baby!

DMV, How I Hate Thee

2008-09-03T17:47:00.002-04:00

I was at the DMV 3 times today. 1st time I was told I needed a bank statement with to prove I was a citizen. So I went to the bank, and had a print out of my account complete with bank stamp and signature on it. Back to the DMV I went for the 2nd time.

Was told I needed my passport AND birth certificate. So back home I went to get my birth certificate, since I just had my passport with me. Then I headed back to the DMV for the 3rd time.

So the 3rd time I went to the DMV I had my social security card, Michigan driver's license, passport, birth certificate, bank statement, AND official change of address confirmation from the post office.

Know what they said?

I need to have lived here for 30 days before I can apply for a driver's license. Now, why didn't they just tell me that in the first place????

I'm Here!!!!

2008-09-01T19:49:00.002-04:00

I'm here in Georgia!!!!!!!

I offically start work tomorrow morning. Baby isn't here yet, that's not until next week. But there's a room to prepare, errands to run, baby clothes to wash, etc. etc. etc.

I've been busy setting up the GPS system for the car, figuring out where things are, putting my room together, and just getting settled.

Just wanted to let you all know that I'm here, and I'm alive :)

I love wi-fi

2008-08-28T19:14:00.002-04:00

Cause I'd be unable to update this thing without it. Still in Michigan till Sunday at 6:25am-(yes that is really the time my flight leaves). I'm at my dad's house right now, actually...I'm at the library by my dad's house because he's on this anti-makeyourlifeeasierwithcableandinternet kick right now.

And to be really technical, because I can be and I'm bored out of my freakin mind, I don't actually LEAVE Michigan until like 10:30am on Sunday because I'm flying from here to Detroit and then from D-Town to Atlanta-(herein known as A-Town till I think of something better to call it).

K, so yeah. I'm bored, but alive. Been eating at my favorite joints-(all 3 of them)-was very very destraught that the Cookie Cutter is gone. Best bloody cookie shop EVER. But they're gone now.

Anywho, more updates whenever I wander over to the library again.

Peace out from M-Town.

Moving

2008-08-24T19:57:00.003-04:00

Yep, it's time. Tomorrow I'll be heading out. Won't have internet access for 1-2 weeks so the blog won't be updated. See you all on the other side!

Schedule

2008-08-22T08:39:00.005-04:00

I have a crazy schedule before I leave for Georgia.

Friday: Finish getting my stuff out of the apartment, do a final clean and turn the key in. Drop stuff off to Goodwill and take in the recycling. Go to the library and cancel my account, tie up all lose ends.

Saturday: Say good-bye to 2 families that have been an integral part of my life over the past 5 years.

Sunday: Say good-bye to another family.

Monday: Clean up the house I'm staying in, pack the car, and hit to road for my hometown.

Tuesday-Friday: Say good-bye to all of my friends in my hometown.

Saturday: Drive, with my dad, to the Soo. Check into the hotel, try to get some sleep.

Sunday: Fly to Georgia at way-to-early am. Get to Georgia early afternoon. Take the train uptown where I'll be picked up by my employer's. They will then drive me to the house where I will unpack, get settled, and sleep.

Monday: Start work.

Drawn

2008-08-20T01:22:00.002-04:00

I've been reading a few adoption blogs in the past 2-3 months. Not religiously, but I'd check them about 2 times a month, just to see how everything was going. But lately it has changed. I now feel drawn to read these blogs every day. To seek out new adoption blogs on a daily basis. To read each new adoption blog I come across from beginning to end.

Maybe it's just that I have a lot of extra time on my hands this week.

Or maybe it's God working on my heart and mind for something bigger . . . Time will tell

Stupid Bank

2008-08-18T17:58:00.003-04:00

Actually it's probably not the bank, or the people who work there. But still, it's irritating. Here's the dilemma:

I'm moving to Georgia SOON

The bank that I currently have my checking & savings accounts at doesn't have any branches anywhere close to where I'll be living

I need to open a new account at a new bank

I know what bank I will use-(it's 2 blocks from the house.)

I can't open the account until I am there, because I have to be there in person to open the account

I can't do a wire transfer to the account in Georgia until it is opened-(when I move there)

I have to be at the bank here in Michigan, IN PERSON, to authorize a wire transfer. Can't sign a form to have it done, can't authorize it over the phone, nope..have to be there in the flesh to do it.

Can't close the account here over the phone. Need to close it in person.

So, basically 30 minutes of standing around the bank to find out that I can't transfer the money to my new account because the account in Georgia isn't open yet, and I have to be in Michigan at the bank here to authorize the transfer. Soooooooooo....I found out that I have to carry a check with me from Michigan to Georgia. This wouldn't be a problem, but it's way more than I'm comfortable carrying with me. AND, I have to carry it with me for 10 days.....which means I have to keep very good track of it between packing, driving, flying, unpacking, and opening the new account in Georgia.

Seriously, is there not an easier way?????? According to the bank, there isn't.

Tomorrow's fun includes calling the utility/cable companies to turn off/switch over the utilities.

I'm Off

2008-08-18T13:47:00.001-04:00

Off to fight with the bank that is. Will update later today if I make it out of there alive. Stupid bank people.

Looks

2008-08-10T16:39:00.002-04:00

With the string of no-shows, the multiple interviews that my boss has done, the reactions of the interview-ees when boss tells them what is expected of them, and the demands of the interview-ees-(higher pay, gas milage reimbursement, set schedule), have made me look like a pretty darn good sitter.

Bummer that it took boss over 2 years to figure out that I'm NOT THAT BAD and that she's a nitpicking type A control freak perfectionist. Okay, she probably doesn't realize the part about her, but she's realizing the part about me. But I'm still smiling on the inside. There's a part of me that feels bad for her. Then there's a part of me that just wants to go "HA!!!!! Serves you right!" I won't do it, but it's fun to think about sometimes.

Remember that comment she made a few months back, the one that went something like this:

"Maybe I can finally have the kind of nanny I've always wanted."

Yeah, well I got the follow-up to that yesterday with this one:

"Maybe you're as good as it gets." *insert raised eyebrows and pursed lips from current nanny* "Not that you're a bad sitter or anything like that." Nice save there hon, nice save---NOT.

Okay, I'm off to enjoy the carrot cake I made yesterday--and gloat on the inside, because that's just the way I am.

Seriously

2008-08-08T18:02:00.000-04:00

Does nobody in the government have a moral compass anymore????

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26095810?GT1=43001

Sick...or not...

2008-08-08T09:29:00.003-04:00

So yesterday Goober fell ill, was running a low grade temperature, had a headache, runny nose, and sore throat. We were laying on the couch watching a movie when she asked if she could have a candy bar. Um.....no. I gave her some other options--milk, water, gatorade, juice, popcicle, grapes, banana, etc. Nope, she wanted a candy bar. I put my foot down and told her no candy bar. Then comes this gem from her mouth:

"Well I'm sick so you have to get me whatever I want and do whatever I want ALL DAY!!!"

Her highly convincing arguement didn't work. And today? She's perfectly fine.

Responsibility

2008-08-07T09:50:00.003-04:00

Responsible people apparently don't live in this city. Case in point:

Babysitter Candidate #1: Interview with boss went well, training went well, she was excited, I thought she was great, Goober was thrilled.......then she no showed, no called, & turned her phone off on her solo day.

Babysitter Candidate #2: Interview with boss went well, training went well, day before her solo day she called and decided she couldn't meet the time commitment required.

Babysitter Candidate #3: Never showed up to interview with boss.

Babysitter Candidate #4: Interview went well, hasn't showed up for training today. She was due here an hour ago.

Yep, responsible people apparently don't live in this city. 24 days till I move, 9 days till Goober and her mom leave for a trip. So that makes 8 days to find, train, and do a dry run with a new sitter. It's gonna be stressful-(haha, like it hasn't been already). Wish us luck.

Nightmare

2008-08-04T08:31:00.002-04:00

Every once and awhile, usually when I'm under a great amount of stress, I have a horrific nightmare that shakes me to my core. They are so realistic that I wake up and wonder if it really happened or if it was just a dream. I've even gone as far as reading the local newspaper online to determine if it really happened. Last night was one of those nights. I will warn you, the following is a bit graphic so read at your own risk. Remember, this was just a nightmare--it DID NOT really happen.

************************************************************************************

The family was home. Me, my mom, my dad, my sister, and my brother-in-law. My brother-in-law was acting strangely. I couldn't pin point it, but he was somber and sulky. If you knew my brother-in-law, you would know that he is always energetic, talkative, and has 2 speeds: full speed & off.

He and my sister were fighting, not an unusual occurrence in real life. They fight all the time. My sister was being passive aggressive, my brother-in-law was being combative. My sister walked out the front door to get away from him. My brother-in-law followed her.

At this point my brother-in-law & my sister are outside. My dad was sleeping upstairs because he worked 3rd shift the night before, my mom was resting in her recliner, and I was doing Sudoku on the couch.

*WARNING* The next part is scary *WARNING*

Next thing I know, the house is on fire. It's burning fast, because it's an old wooden house and the wood is dried out. I yell "MOM THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!!" We run upstairs because the the whole front bottom 1/2 of the house is engulfed in flames and all the exits on the 1st floor are blocked.

Upstairs we open the door to the 2nd floor deck, only the deck isn't there. It had collapsed from dry rot the week before. The fire is moving up the stairs, my mom and I are hovering in the door frame, door open, with nowhere to go. I can feel the heat behind me. We jump into the rubble of the deck.

*WARNING* Graphic content follows *WARNING*

Once the fire is put out by the fire department, the sheriff takes my mom and I inside the house. They need us to identify a body. The body is my dad's, still in bed, sleeping in his usual arm flopped over the side of the bed, 1/2 sleeping on his stomach with 3 pillows under his head and one under his chest. His body is a black charred lump, but he looks peaceful, like he never woke up as he was burned to dead. He passed away from the smoke inhalation before he was burned to death. Small piece of comfort considering the way he went. Then the sheriff tells us there another body we need to identify. I'm confused, there shouldn't be another body.

We follow the sheriff downstairs to the front hallway. There is a lump under a white sheet. They draw back the sheet, it's my sister. They theorize that she ran back into the house after her husband set the house on fire. Her body is badly charred, except for the big toe on her left foot. The big toe on her left foot isn't burned at all.

After the shock of seeing 2 dead bodies, my mom shrugs and says "That's life" then walks outside, gets in her truck and drives away to her cabin 8 hours away while I am left to pick up the pieces and process it all by myself.

**********************************************************************************

I hate nightmares like this. I've had worse nightmares for sure, but they come so infrequently that when they do happen, they really shake up me. I just don't know what to make of it all, or how to process it. I know I shouldn't think about it, but it's hard when you have a nightmare like that.

Anybody out there have freakish nightmares that scary the bejeeber's out of you?

Moving Progress

2008-08-03T08:36:00.002-04:00

It was a looooooooooooong weekend of packing, cleaning, & loading boxes into the truck. All that work paid off. One more truck load and this place will be emptied out!!!!!

This place feels so empty now. It's really kind of, weird. It was a lot of work, but it was definately worth it.

All that's left to do now is pack up the kitchen, pack the suitcase, and clean this place top to bottom.

Now, I'm officially getting excited about this move :)

Monday

2008-07-30T21:04:00.003-04:00

I'm 3 days into the work week, and it's been hard. The rundown:

Monday: DAY OFF!!!! WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!! I took full advantage of having the day off and partied it up on Sunday night. Crawled into bed around 3:30am, nicely buzzed and relaxed. I was off in la la land when I heard Mozart. Realizing that it was my ringtone, I felt around for my cell phone until I found it, in the back pocket of my jeans, that I was still wearing. As I answered the phone I glanced at the bright red numbers on my alarm clock, 8:02am. I grunted a hello and was greated with my boss's sunshining voice on the other end. My day off was no more, I was to meet her at the office in 10 minutes to pick up Goober because boss had an 8:30 meeting. *sigh*

I originally had the day off because the new sitter was flying solo that day. She was a no show, no call, and her cell phone was turned off.

On my way to the office to pick up Goober I got a text message from the MIA sitter. She was sick, and wanted to know if I could watch Goober that day. What she failed to mention in the message was that she NEVER CALLED or TEXTED Goober's mom!!!!!

I picked up Goober at 8:15am, in my clothes from the night before, smelling of the bar. No bra, no shoes, and I realized later that I didn't even have my driver's license with me. Yep, I looked reeeeeeeeeal professional. Couple my look with the fact that MIA sitter texted me and NEVER spoke to Goober's mom that morning, and I had a pretty pissed off boss on my hands.

Unfortunately, my plan's for Monday included going to the laundromat, going grocery shopping, going to Wal-Mart, going to the recyling plant, going to the bank, and packing. I'm sure that list is just what EVERY 7 year old wants to do with their nanny. Due to the fact that I literally had 1 t-shirt left, the laundromat was a must. Additionally, the bank was a must because I needed quarters to do laundry. So I showered and we headed out.

3 hours later I had an extremely bored 7 year old on my hands-(I packed all of my art supplies/kid games/kid books/etc.)-and was $20 poorer. $15 for laundry and $5 to play the pinball machines at the laundromat.

So that was my day off. Lovely huh? Tomorrow, tune in for the adventures of Tuesday. Otherwise known as the rainy, cloudy, 15 hour day of boredom.

I live an exciting life people, try to keep your jealousy in check.

Update

2008-07-29T08:18:00.003-04:00

*Update @ 6:23pm*

Only 4 more hours until I am free from the child.

She's shrieking at the top of her lungs in the bathtub right now

When she's done I'm selling her

I love 15 hour days.

Power cord should be delivered today or tomorrow.

I move at the end of August.

It's 8:20am and Goober has already had 2 timeouts this morning-(I got here at 7:45am). The first for kicking the dog, the second for going outside without shoes on and, when reminded that she needs shoes, refused to come back inside and get them.

Yep, it's gonna be a long day.

Quick Post

2008-07-28T17:34:00.002-04:00

Before my computer dies from lack of being able to charge it.....

When I get my power cord there are 2 specific things I need to write about:

1. The elderly gentleman that Goober and I helped at the laundromat

2. The biotch who ruined my day off

Progress

2008-07-27T12:57:00.003-04:00

Here's the progress so far this weekend:

Pack 6 boxes DONE!!!! I'm going to shoot for 3 more boxes by tomorrow night.

Take 3 bags of stuff to Good Will Not done yet. I have 1.5 bags ready to go.

Go through all clothes Haven't done this yet. Hence the reason I don't have 3 bags for Good Will yet.

Do the laundry-(3-4 loads) Hasn't been done yet. Reason? I don't have enough cash on hand to go to the laundromat soooooooo I'm waiting till tomorrow when the bank is open.

Get rid of the 20 fruit flies that are hanging out in my kitchen. Down to 5 or so. They're slowly dying off thanks to there being NO FOOD in this house.

Figure out how the stupid fruit flies are still alive when there's no food in the house My neighbor is the culprit of the d*mn fruit flies. That's a whole nother post though.

Go to Goober's Birthday Party DONE!

Work for a few hrs. to generate some extra cash Yep :)

Cash paycheck at the bank Going to go to the bank tomorrow

Additionally I've done the following:

Taken 1 load of recycleables to the recycling plant. Have 1 more load to go

Washed all the garbage cans in the house

Ordered a new power cord for my laptop because the other one was fried in a storm

On the Agenda

2008-07-25T22:10:00.002-04:00

On the agenda for the weekend is the following:

Pack 6 boxes

Take 3 bags of stuff to Good Will

Go through all clothes

Do the laundry-(3-4 loads)

Get rid of the 20 fruit flies that are hanging out in my kitchen.

Figure out how the stupid fruit flies are still alive when there's no food in the house

Go to Goober's Birthday Party

Work for a few hrs. to generate some extra cash

Cash paycheck at the bank

Cameron

2008-07-14T21:31:00.011-04:00

Cameron & I had a great day together on Saturday

First he took a nice loooooooong nap on Jen's bed

Then we went for a walk with a friend. He wasn't too happy with somebody else touching his stroller.
But he cheered up once he got out of the stroller.
Then he found this really cool toy stroller and had to flip it over and over too see what it was all about.
He tried pushing it. He was very focused on this task.
He took it for a walk around the yard. The stroller was way more interesting than the swing set or slide.

He would watch the wheels go around while he pushed the stroller. Amazingly he never ran into anything.

Overall it was a very good day.

Weekly Happenings

2008-07-11T17:24:00.009-04:00

Remember Cameron???? This is him a year ago, right before his family moved. This is the little bugger now, refusing to smile for the camera. Goober and I went to tour an ore boat. This is on the top deck.
She was quite interested in the bell.
But obviously LOVED the ice cream after the tour.

While packing she interupted me to come see the "2 headed fly" I went to a new eye Dr. and he dialated my eyes. Goober said I looked like an alien.
And she's been talking about winter coming 'soon.'

Alien

2008-07-01T20:31:00.002-04:00

Warning!!!! There's an alien us, and her name is Goober. It's like I don't even know her anymore. Last summer, when she didn't get her way, she would pout for 5 minutes and get over it. She'd go on playing like nothing happened. Now, she pouts, mopes around, refuses to talk to me, and is just all around miserable for up to 2 hours after she hasn't gotten her way.

To be completely honest with you, it's really starting to piss me off. I dread getting up every day and going to work because I just don't want to deal with it anymore. She has never gotten away with things when she's with me. I've never put up with her attitude. All of the sudden, none of that is working.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm frustrated and stressed. For the record, I have talked to her mom about it. Her mom is dealing with the same thing day in and day out. We're both at a loss.

I feel like all day, for the last 2 weeks, all I do is deal with attitude and deal out consequence after consequence. Like I said, nothing is working. I just want to scream.

T-Ball

2008-06-30T19:49:00.002-04:00

Goober is in T-ball this summer. She was given the choice between soccer and t-ball, she refused to make a decision so her mom made the decision for her. They practice on Monday & Thursday's from 4:30-6pm. The first practice was last Thursday, the second practice was today. The first practice Goober pouted through the entire time, then complained about it for the next 2 hours after we got home. The 2nd practice was worse. She refused to participate. When we got there she promptly sat next to me on the bleachers, arms crossed, and flat out told me she wasn't going "out there with those people." I forced a glove onto her hand & made her go. Here's the run down of the evening after that:

1. They practiced fielding ground balls. They didn't expect the kids to catch the ball, they just wanted the kids to try. If the ball went past the kid, they wanted to kid to run after it, pick it up, and throw it back. Each kid was grounded 5 balls. Know what Goober did? She stood there. Refused to bend down to try and get the ball, refused to run after it, refused to pick it up, and refused to throw it back. EVERY SINGLE TIME

2. They practiced running bases. The kids were lined up, single file, had to pretend to hit the ball, then run the bases all the way around. Goober was #4 in line. She got to the front, pretended to hit the ball, then WALKED THE BASES.

3. They practiced hitting. This, she actually did--after I forced a helmet onto her head because she refused to put it on-(I did this with permission from the coaches, I don't usually step in)

The coaches were wonderful with her. Very encouraging, upbeat, they just wanted everybody to have fun. I, on the other hand, wanted to run out there and strangle her for being such a brat. It was embarrassing, to say the least. Currently, she's refusing to talk to me. I sent her to her room when we got home after explaining to her that her behavior was unacceptable and ridiculous. I told her she can come down when her attitude straightens up. That was an hour ago, and she's still not talking to me. 2 more hours until her mom gets home.

Monday's Suck

Trust

2008-06-29T14:23:00.003-04:00

Trusting people is hard for me. It didn't used to be hard. I used to trust people until they gave me a reason not to trust them. Now, I don't trust until they prove to me that they are trustworthy. This wasn't some overnight change that I decided to make. Through the last 5 years I have been lied to, hurt, manipulated, and emotionally burned. I graduated from high school in June of 2003. I had a clear path in front of me. I was going off to college, I was excited, nervous, and ready to go. I moved into my dorm room at the end of August 2003. It was small, but it was mine. All mine.

Freshman Year: I was sexually assaulted by a man who I thought was a friend. He blocked me from leaving my dorm room after the incident. I felt unsafe, I cried, stopped eating, barely slept, and my grades slipped. 2 weeks after the incident I met Brian. A month later we were officially a couple. As an official couple, we decided we could sleep in the same bed-(up until that point I had been sleeping in his bed while he slept in the living room). Cues were severely misread & it became painfully clear that he wanted sex. I stopped him and then went to the bathroom and threw up. The next day was...awkward. Fast forward to the end of freshman year, April of 2004. 5 of my friends and I signed on to live in an on-campus apartment. One of the girls, we'll call her A, somehow convinced us to live on the top floor. 3 flights of stairs and no elevators.

Sophomore Year: August 2004 we all moved into our new abode. Well, almost all of us, A had flunked out. She knew she wasn't coming back, yet signed on to live with us anyways. We felt betrayed. We had to scramble for money. And while moving in, we realized that 3 flights of stairs and no elevators was a bad choice. I started my year long internship at the campus child development center this year. I learned quickly that parents lie, especially when their children are little hellions.

July 4th, 2005 I had immense pain in my abdomen & threw up in the bathroom at a Wendy's restaurant. The vomiting continued, and got worse. I was diagnosed with bulimia.

Junior Year: August 2005 I moved into my own 1 bedroom on campus apartment. Thus began what I like to call the semester from hell. I was still being treated for bulimia. When that treatment didn't work, I was diagnosed with anorexia, and treated for that. The illness continued & nobody knew what was going on. All tests came back with no abnormalities. My grades began slipping. I was vomiting 10-15 times a day. My teeth were eroding away from the constant vomiting. I could barely make it to class. I had been in the ER 3 times by the end of September. In October I was forced to leave school because my grades had fallen so badly and I had missed so much classes. I cried the entire 3 hour drive to my parents house. I was devastated, I had failed. By the end of October I was seeing 4 separate doctors and had been admitted to the hospital another 2 times. After the last admittance I sat in my Dr's office while she told me that the pain was all in my head & there was nothing more they could do. I had 2 choices, be admitted to the psych ward at the local hospital, or go home until I either got better or worse, then be admitted to the psych ward. My parents thought it best that I be admitted immediately. It then became clear that nobody believed me. I was convinced I was crazy. My gallbladder was removed 3 weeks later, the vomiting and pain stopped almost immediately.

Senior Year: Brian and I moved in together. Obviously it didn't work out. I had friends turn on me. Questioning me, badgering me, calling me, and e-mailing me. I'm not sure why it was any of their business, but many of these people had told me--when we first split up--that I was a friend regardless of who I was dating. Many of these people I had met through Brian. Most of those 'friends' have turned on me. No longer talking to me because I 'destroyed' his life by leaving him.

Super Senior Year: No majorly big events. Just trying to find myself.

Now: Part of me wants to be able to trust like I did before. Not be so suspicious of everybody. But life experiences have tainted my view of people. I don't know if it's that I can't trust people, or if I won't trust people. I pray nightly for God to open my heart and my mind, but these feelings that if I trust, I will get hurt, still plague me. It has affected my working relationship with my boss, and I successfully pushed away 2 men I was dating-(at separate times)-because I couldn't tell if they were being truthful with me. In hindsight they probably were, but I don't want to get hurt again. I said at the beginning of this post that I don't trust people until they prove to me that they are trustworthy. Problem is, I don't allow people adequate time to prove to me that they are trustworthy. I push them away, avoid them, whatever before they get to that point.

Trust, what is it to you?