Fix It

It's my nature to fix things. Not physical things, I would much rather tear things apart than put them back together. It's almost like therapy for me. All the stress from the week just melts away when I get to go to my mom's and tear down a shed, or take apart an old metal desk for the metal pile, pull old wiring out from the garage, rip of the roof of a house in preparation for a new one...the list goes on but you get the point. I always feel so much better, more relaxed, more energized after I've taken something apart, as long as I don't have to put it back together.

My natural instinct to fix things is when there is an emotional or mental problem. I want to make it better--or at least more tolerable. I want to find the solution. I will turn into a pretzel just to make it work. I don't like to see people hurting, in any way. I want to do something, anything, to make it just a little bit better.

At work, this is fairly easy. Boss is unhappy? Find out what it's about and take steps to solve the problem. Co-worker upset? Lend an ear, and a shoulder if necessary, to carry a bit of the burden. Child sad that mom/dad has left for work? Extra cuddles and hugs usually do the trick. Neighbors and friends are fairly easy to. Sometimes they need to just vent, sometimes they just need to chat, sometimes a card, a hug, a smile make it just a little bit better.

At home, it's not so easy. I want to 'fix' my mom's problem. I want to take some of the burden and carry it as my own. Mental illness can be so ugly sometimes. I tried to 'fix' it. I tried to set up a fool proof way of making sure mom was mentally stable. The medications were to be dispensed by a visiting nurse, twice a day, every day. There was no way mom could overdose, or underdose. The medications were locked up. 2 keys, one for me, one for the visiting nurse. The knives were taken out of the home, so she couldn't hurt herself. Same with the guns. I called 3 times a day, once in the morning, once on my lunch break, and once in the evening. Making note of differences in her tone, her attitude, her tracking of the conversation. I went every weekend. Making sure things were going well. Counting pills, checking hiding places for knives and other weapons. She was allowed to drive, but only a certain distance. I checked the odometer religiously, making sure she didn't cheat. We went to doctors, therapists, neurologists, internal medical specialists, psychiatrists, etc. I had peace of mind. I had it all under control. I was 'fixing' the problem with my fool proof plan.

Problem is, the only person I fooled was myself. Truth is, she still has freedom of choice. She has the choice to take her medication, or not. She has the choice to buy a knife, or not. She has the choice to drive as much as she wants, or not. She has the choice the answer my call, or not. She has the choice to see the doctors, or not. The only way she wouldn't have that choice would be if she was deemed to dangerous to be in the general population. Essentially, if she was in a mental facility and THEY determined that she was mentally unstable. Now here comes to hard part.

She is mentally stable while taking her meds. When off of her meds, she is not. It's a vicious cycle that I've been warned about, have researched, and seen for myself. She takes her meds, gets stable, doesn't see why she needs to take her meds because she is stable-(due to the meds)-and goes off the them, swinging back to the unstable side. Think of it as someone who has high blood pressure. They take their meds, their blood pressure goes down, because their blood pressure went down they figure they're fine, stop taking the meds, and their blood pressure goes back up. It's a cycle that's hard to break, especially in the mentally ill.

Reasoning while she's mentally stable is near impossible. Go talk to a brick wall, it'll work better. She insists she's fine, I insist it's the medications, she insists she's fine, I insist it's the medications, she insists she's fine, and on and on it goes. She goes off the meds and swings to the other side. Reasoning while she's mentally UNstable is, well, whatever is after impossible. Her reality is not that same as many peoples. Stable OR unstable it's not the same. Every comment, accident, dead bird, cloud in the sky, rainy day, mechanical breakdown, low water pressure. piece of lint on the floor is, in her mentally unstable mind, "her fault." She thinks she did something wrong to cause it. On the flip side, every comment, accident, living bird, sun shiny day, mechanical NON-failure, correct water pressure, no lint of the floor is, in her mentally stable mind, "her doing." She thinks she did something right to cause it. Now that's not to say that yes, there are things that she does that create positives and negatives in her life. However, many of the mundane, every day things have nothing to do with her. A dead bird is a dead bird. Unless she somehow found a gun and shot it, it's just a dead bird. But to her, she did something, or didn't do something, to cause it. There is no inbetween. She's either stable, or unstable. There's no 'fine line' to cross. There's no slowly going from one extreme to the other. She's "on" or she's "off."

Scary thing is, the difference between 'on' or 'off' for her is 2 pills a day. Because of the very short half life of both pills, 18 hours, or 1 day without medication, is all it takes to go from one extreme to the other. Scary as that is, it is my life. And it's not easy.