Statements from Goober

This isn't a funny post in any way. If you're looking for funny, go elsewhere, because tonight my heart is heavy with guilt. Guilt over not giving my all to Goober, or Smiley, or Ears-(11 month old I watch on occasion). I've felt this way for awhile, pretty much since week 3 of the semester. I haven't voiced it for fear of looking weak, or pitiful, or playing the victim. But here goes:

I brought this on myself, I thought I could do it all but I have realized too late that I cannot. I cannot put the time, energy, emotion into my senior thesis and still have something leftover for Goober. Smiley hasn't been greatly affected by this as I spent a maximum of 2 hours a day with him. Ears hasn't been affected because I only watch her 3 days a week for 2 hours--and she sleeps for 1.5 hours of that. But Goober has been affected. That's what makes this so difficult to write. I know my faithful readers, and some lurkers, and even some stranger will probably write kind words and tell me that it's okay. That I'm not a horrible person. But I know all of that, and while those words are appreciated, they fall on deaf ears. No amount of words in the world will lift the pain I feel in my heart tonight.

You may wonder where I'm going with this. Well, 2 comments that Goober made to me really brought hte issue to a head. I KNEW I wasn't giving her my all. I KNEW I have been emotionally distant. I KNEW it would only get worse. But I was hopeful that maybe she wouldn't notice. Maybe she would just blow it off. Maybe she would be too involved with the social life of a 1st grader that my lack of effort wouldn't phase her. That, unfortunately, wasn't the case. Here are 2 comments she made to me, verbatim. They stabbed me like a knife:

"Maybe when I get back from my dad's we can start having fun again."

and

"Miss Jen, I think your heart shrinked like the Grinch cause I don't feel loved like I used to."

I will leave you with that while I head off to bed. Good night.