Almost March

No I have not fallen off the face of the earth, nor have I forgotten that I have a blog. I've been tucked away in a "I don't wanna but I hafta" cucoon for the last 3 weeks.

1. I don't wanna deal with the fact that my dad may very well lose his job. He, and these are his words, "wasn't paying attention" and crashed the ambulance he was driving--injuring a patient and co-worker. He fully admits and accepts the consequences of his actions. The case is with the prosecutors office now.

1. I hafta deal with this fact. He may lose his job, he may lose his pension, he may have to sell the house and move into an apartment. He may have to find another job. His skill set is fairly limited, in the working world at least. He has worked at the same hospital, in the same department as a paramedic for over 30 years. This is what he trained for and this is his passion. The possibility of this making him or breaking him is very real. I fear it will break him, in more ways than one. While I don't condone his actions, or inactions, I will stand beside him every step of the way. Financially, there is very little I can do. Emotionally, I will do everything I can to help him through this.

2. I don't wanna deal with the fact that my classroom is on the decline. The tantrums, hitting, kicking, and yelling have increased ten fold in the kids. We've even had 3 seperate biting incidences. Injuries are uncommon in my classroom. Before February, the last biting incident was in September. To have 3 biting incidences, one of which broke the skin, in 3 weeks is---I have no words.

2. I hafta deal with the fact that my classroom is on the decline. The 3 biting incidences, and aggressive behaviors are not coming from the 5 new children. They are coming from children who have been in my classroom for a minimum of 6 months. I am struggling to regain control over my classroom. It is an uphill battle on a daily basis and I feel as though it's 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I feel like a failure because my students are out of control. They cannot be expected to learn and grow in such an environment. While I am still doing the preschool program, my expectations of what the kids will learn have been lowered. Not permanently, but until the aggressive behavior issues have been resolved.

3. I don't wanna deal with the fact that my co-lead teacher has seemingly given up. Her once bubbly, fun, sarcastic personality is gone. Perhaps not completely gone, but left at the doorstep--or hidden deep within. Her eyes seem void of caring and full of frustration.

3. I hafta deal with the fact that my co-lead teacher has seemingly given up. I feel the frustration on a daily basis. The raising of her voice, the stress in her motions, the panic in her body language when yet another child has a 30 minute meltdown of epic proportions. Perhaps she's suffering from burn out. Perhaps she no longer has the passion for the job. I honestly don't know. We've talked, we've hugged, we've cried together. Through it all, I am still unable to get a good 'read' of how she's feeling. I want to pull her back, tell her it's okay, let her put it all on me. Truth is, I don't know that I can handle having it all on me. I am struggling myself and to take another persons struggles, in addition to my own, may push me to far.

So there it is, in all of it's ugly truth. I am wishing, praying, hoping for March to be better. Problem is, it is a lot of work to get it 'better' and I don't know that I'm able to achieve what has been set before me.